DEAR ANN: I am a newly graduated MD. I’m curious about the proper way to address patients and introduce myself. I notice some do it informally, while others are more proper.
DEAR READER: Congratulations on your achievement. To be traditionally proper, introduce yourself as Dr. Doe and refer to your patient as Ms. Johnson. First names are off limits in professional situations on both sides. Use titles at all times, unless the patient is a friend or relative. In that case, you would both use your first names.
DEAR ANN: What do you see as the biggest faux pas today?
DEAR READER: Generally speaking, the biggest faux pas I see today is the failure to knock on a closed door.
Incredibly, people try to enter without knocking. If visiting a home, be sure the bathroom door has a lock upon entering; otherwise, one of the other guests may try to enter!
DEAR ANN: I am being married soon, and I have a 7-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. Is it proper for me to invite her father to the wedding?
DEAR READER: A former paramour, husband, etc., does not usually get invited to an ex’s wedding. Additionally, it might be wise to think of the child, who could be easily confused by seeing her father there while you are marrying another.
DEAR ANN: We brought a lovely and expensive cake from a high-end bakery to a dinner party, but the hostess did not serve it. I am upset. Am I being unreasonable?
DEAR READER: Unless you were asked to provide dessert, then your cake is to be viewed as a gift for the hosts to consume at their pleasure. The same goes for any food item, such as wine, fruit, etc. Unless you are asked to bring it specifically for use during the dinner, it is a gift that can go into the wine cellar, refrigerator or freezer for future use.
DEAR ANN: What is the correct position for the fork and knife to be on the plate when finished dining?
DEAR READER: As every waiter knows, it is correct to clear the diner’s plate when the fork and knife are resting at “20 minutes past 4 o’clock” with the fork nearest to the body. The sharp edge of the knife rests behind the fork and is pointed toward the body, as well.
In Europe, the fork tines will be turned down; in the U.S., the tines are left up.
DEAR ANN: I was at a wedding reception. I am in my 20s and don’t know a lot of manners. Anyway, I started eating as soon as they put my plate in front of me. The girl next to me was a stranger, and she kept her hands in her lap. I thought maybe she was sick, and looked at her and said, “Are you all right?” She just nodded, smiled at me, and so I just went back to eating.
A bit later, she finally started to eat, ate all the food and seemed just fine. I was not coming on to her. I am still wondering why she didn’t eat, and then started to eat with relish.
DEAR READER: It sounds to me that perhaps she was waiting for everyone at the table to be served before starting to eat. One does not start to dine until all at the table have been served. If this is the case, she was correct and thoughtful. It also appears that you were thoughtful in regard to your concern for her health.
Occasionally, a tablemate may have to wait for a meal if it is being specially prepared. When this happens, the guest simply says “Please go ahead and start” to the others.
DEAR ANN: My sorority sister and I have a bet. She says it is OK to cut up all your food all at once when served and then eat it. I say no. Who is right?
DEAR READER: You are. One cuts one’s food a piece at a time as needed. One traditionally does not cut more than one slice of one item at a time.
DEAR ANN: My daughter and I were out to dinner at an inexpensive restaurant. Slices of bread were served. We each took one, buttered the slice and held it in our hands as we ate. As we did this, she said that she has a friend at school who always says we are supposed to not eat bread this way, but she did not know how she was supposed to eat bread. I confess I don’t, either.
She is going to a fancy college this fall and will probably get invited to some neat dinner in her college career and in the future. I want her to look good, so sorry for the dumb question, but how do we eat bread?
DEAR READER: Kudos to you for helping your daughter learn proper table manners! One consumes bread much the same way as one cuts one’s food.
One does not cut up all of their food at once, nor does one butter the entire slice and eat it the way you described. One breaks off a bite-size piece, butters it and eats it - and does so again and again until the bread (or roll) is consumed.
DEAR ANN: My fiance’s mother wants us to have a jar of toothpicks on every table at the wedding reception! I said sorry, no. Then she asked if we could have just one jar placed somewhere like on the bar. I hate to appear nasty; she is from a long line of tooth-pickers. Help!
DEAR READER: Tell her that picking one’s teeth in public is tantamount to picking one’s nose, scratching one’s crotch, spitting on the ground, cleaning one’s ears and filing one’s nails. Personal body work and maintenance is not done in public places.
Tell her you will have the toothpick jars placed in the restroom on the lid behind the commode. That way, tooth-picking guests will get the message that such an activity is to be done behind very closed doors.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.