<b>DEAR ANN:</b> Both my fiance and I are great fans of the 18th-century era, and we decided on a colonial theme for our upcoming wedding - powdered wigs, panniers, minuets, etc.

We'd love guests to wear 18th-century attire, but we are not requiring costumes.

My mother is unhappy with the whole idea. She says the theme is tacky and she doesn't want the event to be a joke.

However, we think that our wedding should be about having fun with family and friends, being comfortable and really displaying a part of our personalities. We feel that the unique theme will make the event more memorable. We hope our guests will reminisce about our event and smile, and yes, maybe even laugh, but because it was fun, not funny.

I've tried to make some compromises, as my parents are primarily paying for the wedding. We're not stating "costumes optional" in the invitation. I know many brides and their moms disagree about wedding plans, but how can I make her see my side?

<b>DEAR READER:</b> Best wishes on your upcoming wedding. I read through your query, and it seems that the bottom line is your ending question: "But how can I make her see my side?"

The main issue seems to be about style. Your mom's dreams of white lace and promises, to quote the old song, may be ebbing as you plan something that she thinks is "tacky" and a "joke." It is going to be a big adjustment for her.

So, to cut to the chase, you can't make her see your side any more than she can make you see her side. This appears to be, in the big picture, an issue about control - i.e., you'd like to have your mom see it the way you do, as imaginative and fun, and she'd like you to value the more traditional approach that she likes.

But, neither of you can control how the other views this kind of stylized wedding. Each person is entitled to her own view. Neither of you can totally win, so you can both pick your battles, and hope to meet on middle ground by compromising.

Whether or not a wedding should be fun, serious or historical is up to the couple and their set of values. Some couples see their wedding as a solemn occasion followed by an elegant reception. Others see their nuptials as a chance to express themselves in the ceremony and reception, in a stylized manner. Still others prefer a basic approach of a quick ceremony followed by a fun barbecue. Not all weddings have to be solemn, not all have to be fun - it's your call.

You wrote that your mom "says the theme is tacky and she doesn't want the event to be a joke." What may be tacky to mom is - to you, and perhaps others - magical and wonderful. There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to wedding style. Anything goes at weddings today. You choose, and let the chips fall where they may.

Some of your guests may look back on it and smile, others may laugh at it, others may be thrilled, others may be mystified and still others may be flabbergasted, intrigued, annoyed or dismayed.

So what! No two wedding guests perceive a wedding the same way! Guests bring what/who they are to the table, and there is no way to convince them or your parents (or anyone else) that what you are planning is fabulous.

But, if you two think it is fabulous and it is your hearts' desire, and if you can afford it, then go for it and do not worry what others think.

One of the issues to work out is the funding. If your parents are planning to pay for part of the wedding, they need to tell you what they are willing to spend their money on. If they are not willing to pay for something they do not like, then you are on your own for financing those areas. When parents host (pay for) a wedding, it is essential for the bride and groom to ask what the parents will, and will not, agree to pay for.

A huge part of this is acceptance - and commitment to that acceptance. For example, if your mother agrees to pay for, say, your powdered wigs, then she would do so without complaint or negative comment. If you agree to meet her halfway and have, say, a traditional engraved invitation, you would do so without complaint or negative comment. That constitutes acceptance.

In the final analysis, some couples elect to be traditional, some elect to have a theme. The key to a themed wedding is to acknowledge that while it may be all you dream of, others may not be as thrilled.

However, that's OK. It is your wedding, not theirs, and it's OK for parents to not be thrilled, because parents had their chance at their wedding dreams and now it's your turn.

They can choose to be adults, step up and realize it's time for your dreams, not theirs, and "let go" - and know that their doing so can increase your joy. Once they can let go and engage with you in your plans, it will be a happier road for all.

Also, you are quite correct to not "require" guests to wear any kind of special attire or to write "costumes optional" on the invitation. That issue goes beyond style and on into serious etiquette, as such a request would be a breach of etiquette, as guests are never requested, advised or instructed as to what to wear to any kind of social event.You can pass the word verbally, that costumed guests are welcome, but to state it in writing would be a serious faux pas.

<b>DEAR ANN: </b>I live on Social Security and cannot afford a wedding present, but have been invited to a wedding where most of the people attending have wealth.

Would it be all right to give a card with money in it, as little as it probably will be? . . . Or do I even have to give a wedding present because I already contributed to a gift for her shower?

<b>DEAR READER: </b>Yes, even if one gave a shower gift, a wedding gift is always in order when one accepts an invitation to a wedding. The wealth of other guests has no bearing on your gift, and your gift need not be expensive!

Guests are not obliged to select from gift registries or write checks. (One never ought to give cash; it can easily be stolen). Guests can go to discount stores such as Home Goods, where one can often find lovely items for less money and choose something appropriate and under $25.

Further, the sale section at shops such as Marshall's, T.J. Maxx, etc., often have beautiful gifts such as vases, servers, trays and candlesticks for less than $15.

Select something, then buy a gift box or gift bag and tissue at a card shop, create a pretty package, enclose a thoughtful card - or better, write a joyful note - and send the gift (or call and deliver in person) well before the wedding . . . and then go and enjoy the nuptials!