<b>DEAR ANN: </b>We are being married, and my sister is to be matron of honor. She will also be about 8.5 months pregnant at the time of the wedding. My mom said in her day, expectant mothers who were "showing" always bowed out of being in the wedding party. My sister and I feel this is silly.
Must my sister depart her role, according to etiquette?
<b>DEAR READER:</b> Much of etiquette changes, but is usually rooted in kindness. This is one of those situations that has changed greatly over the years. Your mother is quite correct that back in the day - 1970s and earlier - no woman ever appeared in the wedding party when enceinte.
However, it was deemed unreasonable and the custom has changed. As long as the mother-to-be is comfortable, she may participate.
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>My matron of honor is expecting a baby and is going through morning sickness, and I am concerned for her comfort. . . . What can we do?
<b>DEAR READER: I</b>f she still wishes to participate, by all means let her do so. At the rehearsal, be sure to show her the location of the rest room. If she has to depart from the ceremony, assign the bridesmaid closest to her to set up and fill in for her until she is able to return.
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>Are maid of honor and matron of honor the same thing?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>A matron is a married woman, a maid is single woman. Those who prefer to not designate marital status can use the phrase "honor attendant" or "attendant of honor."
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>Are the bridesmaids supposed to walk down the aisle doing the "hesitation" step?
<b>DEAR READER: U</b>nless all the attendants have modeled professionally and know how to do the hesitation step with the accompanying lilt, I advise that they simply walk slowly, carrying their bouquets at their waists. (The "hesitation" step can feel and look awkward to those who have never done it.)
<b>DEAR ANN:</b> One of my attendants will be nursing her infant. Does this mean I have to include her baby at our evening wedding?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>No, not at all. Nursing mothers are entitled to a night out once in a while! They can pump in advance and leave bottles for the sitter.
If she must travel a distance, help her secure a sitter who can stay with the baby.
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>Traditionally, what expenses do I pay for regarding my attendants?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>The couple and/or their families traditionally pay for or provide the attendants' bouquets/boutonnieres, gifts and ceremonial transportation (to the ceremony, to the reception and back). They also pay for or provide lodging, either in hotels or in the homes of friends and/or family who have offered same.
When someone offers, it can be a wonderful gift and gesture, as well as an economizer!
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>We need to save money. Must we allow every attendant to bring a date?
<b>DEAR READER:</b> No. You can confine escorts to spouses, fiances and significant others, as is traditional.
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>Should I assume my attendants will plan a shower for me? . . . Is it an obligation for them?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>Assume nothing. Sometimes attendants band together to host a pre-wedding event, sometimes they do not. Traditionally, mothers were the ones through whom all party plans were processed so that the couple could be surprised and so that the guest lists were in check - making sure guests did not get invited to more than one gift-giving occasion.
One can ask a mother to fulfill this role or ask a relative or close friend to serve as "clearinghouse info provider" to any who is to offer to host parties or provide other wedding assistance.
<b>DEAR ANN:</b> As a maid of honor, I am planning to surprise my sister, the bride, with a video production of photos of her and her spouse, to be shown at the reception. Someone cautioned me that it may not be as welcome as I hope it will be. How can I be sure it will make her happy?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>Check with her designated "clearinghouse info provider"! Such presentations are usually better received at a rehearsal dinner than at a wedding reception. The wedding reception is an event at which the couple and their guests usually want to dance and interact, not sit and watch a video, no matter how charming it may be to its creator.
Also, it is a good idea to never surprise a couple with anything they have not OK'd at a reception for which they have worked months to plan every detail.