DEAR ANN: My fiance wants his sister to be his best woman, i.e., honor attendant. Should she wear a ladies' tuxedo type of pantsuit to fit in with the groomsmen?

DEAR READER: This is a new wrinkle in the last 10 years, so you have a lot of leeway. She could wear a pantsuit if she wishes to, or a dress that either matches the bridesmaids or complements them.

DEAR ANN: What is the traditional way of cutting the cake?

DEAR READER: Traditionally, it is his right hand over her right hand holding the knife. Make two cuts with the cake knife and use the triangular-shaped wedge to pull the slice out.

Together, you take the piece and gently feed each other. (Have a damp napkin nearby. The temptation to lick fingers is strong . . . but it robs the moment of elegance and grace.)

DEAR ANN: We are two lesbian women who wish to have a civil union. We have found a church and a minister who will perform a blessing . . . so we want it to be as wedding-like as possible. Can we both wear white gowns? If so, should our gowns be identical?

DEAR READERS: You may wear any color you wish, including white. Yes, you may elect to dress identically, or you may feel free to choose whatever styles each of you prefers.

DEAR ANN: I want to give my daughter a bridal shower. When I told this to my sister and asked her to help me, she had an odd look on her face and mumbled about being busy. . . . Is it bad luck or rude or something to do this? I was perplexed.

DEAR READER: No, it is not bad luck - just nontraditional. Traditionally, it is the wedding party or friends of the couple and their parents, not family, who host showers. (Family members traditionally do not host showers, as it can look like a "grab for gifts" for their relatives, the bride and groom.)

DEAR ANN: My daughter is being married and my neighbor is hosting a shower for her. The neighbor wanted to invite my daughter's co-workers. Is it all right to invite co-workers to a shower?

DEAR READER: It is only correct to invite co-workers to a shower if they are on the wedding guest list.

DEAR ANN: Weddings are expensive, and we are trying to save. Must we have alcohol?

DEAR READER: No, you never need to serve anything but what you wish to serve. It is your party. Whatever you choose to serve is fine as long as it is free to the guest. In these hard economic times, some couples elect to have an open bar of soft drinks only and have a simple champagne toast as their only alcoholic beverage.

DEAR ANN: We are hoping to have a very elegant wedding. In touring several facilities, I noticed the chairs looked more "serviceable" and sturdy than pretty. I kept trying to explain the look I wanted. I know there is a name for those chairs that you see at all the upscale events. . . . What are they called?

DEAR READER: They are called ballroom chairs, or chivaris, and can be rented from many local event suppliers. They are often seen in the news or in photos from White House affairs and upscale functions at five-star hotels. They are non-folding chairs and come in silver, gold, white, black, natural and some other colors, and have a variety of cushions.

DEAR ANN: Who pays for the corsages for the mothers, grandmothers, etc.?

DEAR READER: Traditionally, the bride selects, and the groom pays for, her bouquet and all corsages. (He also pays for all the men's boutonnieres.)

DEAR ANN: My daughter and fiance live on the West Coast and are being married at an inn on Cape Cod. Guests will be coming from all over the U.S. The bridesmaids would like to host a shower; however, location is proving difficult, because everyone is so scattered.

My question: Would it be permissible for the maids to host a shower the Thursday before the Sunday wedding? A close friend and wedding guest has offered her Cape Cod home as the site for the shower.

Might it be a good time for all the friends and family to get together before the wedding? What do you think?

DEAR READER: I think it is fine, as long as your daughter approves and that the additional event so close to the wedding does not stress her out. This is one time that a "surprise" might be better opened up and discussed early on.

DEAR ANN: How does one hold a wine glass?

DEAR READER: Usually, the fingers are placed only on the stem, not on the globe. This way, the heat from the hand will not affect the contents of the glass.

New Hampshire event planner and etiquette adviser Ann Connell Bergin of Amherst welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.