<b>DEAR ANN: </b>My husband and I want get to the church early for our niece’s wedding to get an aisle seat. What do we do if an usher tries to seat another guest in our pew once we have been seated? Do we have to move over?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>No. Traditionally, the woman enters the pew first, and the man second. Once seated, remain there. If another guest is brought to your pew, retain your spot. Your husband will rise and step out of the pew; you will turn to the side, your knees inward, and the new person will enter the pew and scoot by you to an inner seat.
Another option is for you both to step out of the pew and let the later arrival step in. This can be prevented, however. Read on:
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>As the bride, I don’t want my guests who arrive early to have to move in and lose their aisle seat. . . . What to do?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>If your church or ceremony site has three aisles - left, center and right - instruct your ushers to escort guests down the side aisles, deposit the guest in the pew or row and ask the guest to process all the way in. The usher then proceeds up to the front altar area, turns either left or right, walking toward the center aisle, and then returns down the center aisle to usher again. This assures a rotation system of ushering that works well for both the guests and the ushers.
<b>DEAR ANN:</b> At a recent wedding, I saw the guests seating themselves rather than waiting for an usher. I was concerned, as my fiancé and I do not want this to happen at our wedding. How can we prevent this?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>The rule of thumb is an usher for every 50 guests. It is always wise to add in an extra usher or two. One usher can stand in the inside aisle entry, his presence preventing guests from moving forward on their own. This stationary usher simply says, “We’ll have an usher with you in a moment,” and thereby retains the guest until an usher reappears after seating a previous guest.
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>We have friends who are constantly late . . . and I have visions of them trying to get a seat, interrupting the processional, as I was horrified to see, at a recent wedding. (A man came right down the center aisle cutting off the third bridesmaid!) What can we do?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>While anyone can have an occasional lateness, many etiquette mavens believe that constant tardiness is a sign of arrogance; that to be late is to convey a message of self-centeredness. “I am more important than you, regardless of how special the day is to you, so I’ll get there when I get there” can be the implication one may take away from another’s lateness.
To prevent such a person’s late appearance as an interruption, make sure your church or site has a coordinator who will retain any late guests. If not, hire someone or ask a friend to serve. The coordinator simply stands in the inner entry, greets the guest and says, “Please wait, the bridal party is now in procession. I shall let you in once the bride reaches the altar.”
Most coordinators will hold the wedding party for a minute or two if they see straggling guests racing toward the entry. However, once the mother of the groom starts down the aisle with her special usher, no further guests are seated until the bride reaches the altar.
<b>DEAR ANN</b>: We want our family to be in special seats. The ushers do not know them by sight. . . . What to do?
<b>DEAR READER: </b>Look back to the days when family members received a small card with their invitation that read “Within the Ribbon.” They arrived at the church and presented the card to the usher, who would seat them in the family section that was cordoned off.
Today, as many use the ribbons for pure decoration, I suggest making seating cards. Once a guest accepts your wedding invitation, simply send them a small card that says “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, Left Side, Pew 4.” They present the card to the usher, who then knows exactly where to seat them.
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>We want our grandmothers/fathers, godmothers/fathers and aunts and uncles to receive corsages and boutonnieres. The ushers do not know them by sight. . . . What to do?
<b>DEAR READER:</b> Again, send them a small card. Once your special guests accept your wedding invitation, simply send them a small card that says, “At the wedding ceremony, please present this card for a special flower.” They present the card to the usher or coordinator, who has been instructed to pin the flowers on to the guest.
<b>DEAR ANN:</b> If a wedding is at 5 o’clock in the afternoon, how early should a guest arrive?
<b>DEAR READER: G</b>uests usually are wise to arrive 20 minutes before the appointed time. Ushering takes time. Handicapped guests and others with special needs can arrive 30 minutes ahead to be accommodated in comfort.
<b>DEAR ANN: </b>How much time should I allow for church setup for our formal wedding? Do I need to book the church in advance for a certain number of hours?
<b>DEAR READER:</b> Yes, allow 2-4 hours depending on the lavishness of the decor and the needs the ushers may have for formal usher training by the coordinator. Ask the site for an agreement in writing so that other services such as funerals, baptisms, etc., will not be booked during the time you need and have requested in advance.
Ask your coordinator, florist and musicians to arrange for enough advance preparation time so that 30 minutes before the wedding ceremony, all flowers and other decor are in place, the candles are lit, the musician(s) are fully tuned and playing preludes, and guests can be welcomed.
Also, allow for the ushers’ schedules, as they are the ones who need to arrive early at the church. Typically, ushers may have advance photos with the groom and his family, after which they repair to the church or ceremony site for usher training. The coordinator instructs them in the art of formal ushering, especially if there is to be a formal recessional escorting of the mothers.
This training is completed in time so that the ushers are ready to seat guests 30 minutes before the wedding is scheduled to start.
New Hampshire event planner and etiquette adviser Ann Connell Bergin of Amherst welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.