DEAR ANN: My elder daughter, Mopsie, became engaged last year, to Joe, and the couple picked a wedding date in December of next year. My younger daughter, Flopsie, just got engaged last month, to Bob, and she wants to get married sooner than her sister – in June of next year.

Mopsie is upset; I think she fears Flopsie’s wedding may eclipse her own. So, Mopsie wants Flopsie to have her wedding after her own December nuptials.

Can etiquette help? Is there a rule as to which sister goes first? My husband and I are trying to mediate this problem.

DEAR READER: If you and your husband can manage both weddings, there should be no problem. The issue of “the elder daughter marrying first” went out with Queen Victoria.

Quite honestly, I am puzzled as to why Mopsie, the elder sister, would feel upset. Digging a little deeper, might there be a need on her part to usually be “first” – i.e., has this been an ongoing case of “jockeying for position” throughout the sisters’ relationship over the years?

As long as Flopsie did not choose the same day in December 2010 to wed, I do not see any reason why the younger sister should change her date. Mopsie, as the person who got engaged first, has no claim on all the other days leading up to her December date!

Lastly, in my view, the only way Mopsie can have a legitimate gripe is if Flopsie made a solemn oath to never wed before her older sister and if they both signed off on it. If that actually happened, then Mopsie could be upset that her younger sister broke her word.

But if no such promise was made, then Mopsie has made an assumption that her younger sister would not wed before she wed. Such an assumption has no foundation, which means Mopsie has an expectation of the younger sister that is not legitimate.

An expectation can only be established if both parties fully agree to it. Having an expectation based on an unspoken/undiscussed assumption, on the part of only one person, is the first step down the road to relationship problems for anyone.

Accepting each other’s wedding dates and rejoicing in each other’s happiness is the way for them to go.

As mediators of adult children, mothers and fathers usually end up caught between a rock and a hard place. Invite your daughters over for coffee, welcome and seat them, pour the coffee, tell them it is time for them to do their own adult fence-mending, then leave – and go to a movie.

DEAR ANN: I don’t think it is proper for the parents of the bride to call guests and tell them what type of clothing to wear to their daughter’s wedding (tuxes) and what to give to the couple for a gift (money).

I just experienced such requests. Is there some type of diplomatic way to tell the couples’ parents that such requests are not proper etiquette?

DEAR READER: A wedding reception is like an extra-special fancy dinner party, in many cases. When a host invites a guest to a formal dinner party at home or at a facility, the host does not tell the guest what to wear, nor does the host ask the guest to bring a bottle of wine or some other item as a gift.

Similarly, the parents of the bride, as wedding hosts, do not advise guests on what to wear or what to give the couple as a gift.

As correct as you are about this matter, there is no diplomatic way for anyone to tell the erring parents that this is not proper etiquette. Unless these parents actually ask you for etiquette advice, there is nothing you can do, except to set an example and let it go, without giving in to the parents’ requests.

At the end of the day, despite the parents’ pleas, the guests can totally ignore such requests and pleadings, wear what they wish and buy whatever gift they want to give to the couple, without a comment, reply or explanation to the erring parents.

DEAR ANN: I have decided to become a sales rep for home-party and direct-mail type of businesses. I want to ask my family and friends to open up their address books to me so I can get started. Is this an OK thing to ask?

DEAR READER: Hmmm . . . one can ask for anything . . . however, do not be surprised if people demur or outright decline to give out their friends’ contact information. Many may feel that developing business contacts is up to you, to do on your own, as you are the person engaged in the business; it is not up to them.

One approach might be for you to invite your family members to a party, that you host, and mention that any of their friends would be welcome. That way, if your family member wishes to bring along a friend, she would personally ask you to contact that individual and issue an invitation.

DEAR ANN: My son has just become engaged to a lovely young lady from a different ethnic and religious background than his. I have already had some rather intrusive questions. What is a good response to “Are you OK with your son marrying her?”

DEAR READER: The best response I can imagine, for any such inappropriate query, is to look the intrusive questioner in the eye and say, with a puzzled look, and a low, incredulous tone, “Excuse me?” This imparts your disbelief that a person could ask such a question and gives him or her the opportunity to back off. As above, people can always ask any question at all – but one does not have to answer it!

Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.