DEAR ANN: It is coming to the season when my kids are talking about the holidays and all the bounty that Santa will bring. Times are lean; no doubt Santa is feeling the crunch. I need a new approach while they are still young.

DEAR READER: Hmmm . . . I shall phrase this carefully. In our house, there was always one surprise gift, unwrapped, left under the tree for each person, and it was never something on anyone’s list. “Who brought it” was left up to the imagination!

The holidays need not hold anyone hostage as long as the parents take control and limit expectations by starting traditions that can carry through any economy. Such an approach can also help ensure that there are no disappointments down the road when schoolmates’ tales and stories cause children to question the existence of gift-bringers.

When children raise the issue of the actuality of gift-bringers, simply respond with “What do you think?” This throws the ball back into the children’s court and lets them decide how much imagination they want to buy into regarding supposed creatures laden with presents.

DEAR ANN: My fiance and I have become engaged. My parents are happy, but have told us they cannot afford to pay for much of the wedding. I am heartbroken. I thought the parents of the bride paid for most of the wedding. I had rather extensive plans, a sit-down dinner for 150 at a country club, a live band, limos, lovely flowers, gorgeous gown, etc.

DEAR READER: Traditionally, the parents of the bride pay for most of the wedding, but to what extent is a matter of degree and budget. If you had an expectation that they would foot the bill for the “nice wedding,” which now can run $45,000-$65,000 and more, your expectation should be based and rooted in previous talks with them about the subject.

It sounds as if your extensive plans may not have been communicated to them. Solid expectations can only be established if both parties fully agree to them. Having an expectation based on an unspoken/undiscussed assumption on the part of only one person is the first step down the road to problems.

Chat with your folks, ask what they have to offer for funding, reassess your plans and go forward with a grateful heart that they are doing what they can afford to do. No one wants to face a wedding day in a position of financial burden and debt.

DEAR ANN: I am hosting a baby shower. The mother-to-be is registered at several stores and she told me that she wants me to state the shops on the invitations. I have heard that this is not proper, so I changed the subject. What do I tell her?

DEAR READER: Actually, I am rather astonished that the honoree is telling the host how to run the shower. Say nothing, and if she raises the issue again, simply say you are delighted to host a shower for her, but you prefer to follow the traditional path of advising registry information only when a guest calls to RSVP and actually asks for it. (Invitees are not told where to shop!)

DEAR ANN: My friend and I are having a discussion. She thinks she should pay for the birthday presents her son brings to parties. I disagree, saying my son should pay for his gifts. Who is right?

DEAR READER: You both are right in that each of you is entitled to raise your children as you wish without argument from each other. However, as to lessons learned, if the child is old enough to have an allowance and to do household tasks, he is probably old enough to learn how to budget.

If you work with him to teach him how to budget and to save money for upcoming expenses in his life, such as gifts, he will be way ahead of the game when he enters his teens and then his adulthood.

DEAR ANN: Is it still true that the parents of all the attendants are invited to the wedding, even if the couple does not know them?

DEAR READER: It depends. Years ago, when “things were local,” parents seemed to know all their children’s friends, and so they were always invited. Additionally, they assumed some of the costs of their son/daughter being a wedding attendant, as many involved were much younger than they are today.

Times have changed, and society is so portable that often one’s closest friends have never met the parents. Thus, it make sense to invite the parents only if the couple knows them.

DEAR ANN: My son’s new girlfriend lacks manners. She comes over to our home, sits down and puts her feet up on our coffee table. When someone enters a room, she does not stand up to greet them. She even wiped her nose with our cloth napkin, and has never sent a thank-you note for any of the events and places to which we have taken her.

She is a nice girl, but I feel sad for her. . . . Should I take her aside and offer to teach her some etiquette? Speak to my son about it?

DEAR READER: If she asks for manners advice, then yes, do so. If she does not, you can be a constant and consistent example. When she puts her feet up on the coffee table, have a pillow at the ready, placing it under her feet. Continue to stand up when anyone comes into the room and she may catch on. If she wipes her nose again, produce a tissue immediately.

Etiquette is about kindness, and setting an example is the kindest way and most gracious way to teach good manners.

Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.