DEAR ANN: What are the rules these days? We are getting married, and we are also expecting a baby. I’ll be six months along (showing!) as I walk down the aisle. I want to wear white. My mother says no, that there is a rule to not do that because of what people will think.

I have always dreamed of wearing white at my wedding. Can I?

DEAR READER: Yes, wear what you want. Today, “the rules” are much more about how to treat a guest – do not charge for drinks or food, do not ask for donations, do not tell guests where to shop for wedding gifts, etc. – than they are about attire.

Years ago, pregnant brides got married in a suit, somewhere in a dark room with no guests, no flowers, no music or photos. Today, brides and grooms are celebrated. Thus, the question you have is about mere attire and style. So, wear white – wear whatever you like.

We live in a new era in which people are far more concerned with serious life issues than with what color a bride wears. Enjoy your wedding day!

DEAR ANN: Recently at a party, one woman walked in who looked as though she’d had a total makeover. I knew for a fact that she’d had plastic surgery, as she’d confided in me. When others started making comments, I kept mum. When asked outright if I knew if she’d had a face lift, I replied “I have no idea, but doesn’t she look fabulous!” and then I changed the subject.

I am now wondering: Was I right to deny that I knew what she’d had done? On the other hand, should I have replied that it was none of their business?

DEAR READER: She confided in you, so your allegiance was to her, not to a group speculating on her physical condition. Keeping secrets may not be easy, but at the end of the day, no one can ever say they heard it from you.

As to the second part of your question, telling them it was none of their business could have set you up to make you appear preachy, as you’d be making a judgment call as to what is and is not their business. The way you handled it was wonderful!

As for gossip, passing along only good gossip, such as when one hears one person saying something nice about another, can make the world a better place!

DEAR ANN: I have been with my girlfriend for five years. We are young by today’s standards, both sophomores in college, but we want to get married right after graduation. How do I know if we are doing the right thing?

DEAR YOUNG READER: Start with a couple of questions of self introspection: “How would I like to be married to myself?” “What would it be like for me to be married to someone just like me?” The answers to those questions can be revealing.

DEAR ANN: My daughter is a teenager and has had many issues and problems. She became a “cutter,” and has self-inflicted scars on her arms that were not there last summer. She is getting help for this, but we both need advice with what to say when someone sees her arms and asks what happened.

DEAR READER: Anyone who asks about such scarring is overstepping personal boundaries. Thus, the only response is “excuse me?” said in a tone of disbelief that anyone could ask such a question. It’s hoped people will know that if she and you wish to discuss this with them, then it is your choice to raise the subject, not theirs.

If someone persists, segue into the weather and change the subject! They’ll get the message.

DEAR ANN: My goddaughter is being married. I want to do something very special and unique for her. I have no budget constraints. Any ideas?

DEAR READER: One thought would be to buy a doll and have a copy of her wedding dress made to fit the doll. The only time I have seen this done was when Claire Booth Luce had it done as a gift for Tricia Nixon. She bought a 21-inch-tall Madame Alexander “Cissy” Doll and had a seamstress make a copy of her dress for the doll. It was stunning!

Another idea is to have a garter handmade with antique lace or Swiss embroidery – a garter to wear, keep and pass down to the next generation. (So few brides have garter tossings anymore at elegant wedding receptions.)

DEAR ANN: I am thinking about getting married (first time) to a lovely lady with three children ages 5, 7 and 10. My dad said that in his day, the stepfather adopted the bride’s children. Is this done today? I am not sure it would be appropriate.

DEAR READER: Years ago, that was often done in families in which the bride and/or groom had been widowed (or on TV like “The Brady Bunch” in which the three daughters became Bradys.) Today, many experts feel the stepparent role is to be one of friend, not parent or disciplinarian. The older the child, the less likely that the child will accept any discipline or advice from a stepparent.

Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.