DEAR ANN: My daughter is getting married, and as mother of the bride, I think I am supposed to have a corsage. I was surprised when my daughter said, “You don’t want a corsage, do you?” I mumbled something, but felt hurt. I really wanted one. I’d even planned my outfit of blue silk to go with a corsage of pink roses.

Don’t mothers of the bride get corsages these days? How do I tell her?

DEAR READER: Indeed, they do get corsages or nosegays, aka tussy-mussies. Your daughter’s approach was rather assumptive, so some plain-speak may be order.

It’s easy. Here’s a line: “You know the other day when you asked me about a corsage? I didn’t give you a clear answer because I was still thinking about it, and I have decided I would like a corsage of pink roses. I think pink would look very nice with the blue silk.” Then make a conversation shift with a comment about some other thing you are excited about in relation to the wedding and move on with the conversation.

DEAR ANN: My daughter expects me to regularly baby-sit her children, because we live in the same town. However, I have a busy life, and while I enjoy seeing my grandkids, I do not have time to baby-sit on a regular schedule.

How can I explain this to my daughter? She doesn’t seem to understand.

DEAR READER: Upon what has your daughter based her expectation?

If you had promised to baby-sit and then reneged, then a chat is in order to set up a new practice.

If not, then continue on, doing your own thing without explanation, and invite your grandkids over for special visits. Answer her with “Gosh, I’m not available on Friday night, but I’d love to take them to lunch on the 25th if they’re free. Let me know!” Then change the subject.

Continue to invite them using dates and times. That will set in motion how you want “grandkid time” to be initiated and handled.

DEAR ANN: My son-in-law wants to have a key to our home. However, he often borrows things and forgets to return them. I am uncomfortable with him having a key and I keep saying, “I’ll get to it,” when he asks. How do I say “No”?

DEAR READER: You have already said “Yes” in a way by saying, “I’ll get to it,” so your choice is to keep on saying “I’ll get to it,” but never actually do it, or to say, “Sorry, I’ve changed my mind. I’m just not ‘into’ others having keys to my home.” Then change the subject.

DEAR ANN: I now live in the same city as my in-laws, and I root for a sports team that is different from the ones my in-laws love and rave about. I never say anything negative about their team, but they are always needling me about my team, constantly saying that my team is lousy.

Should I ask my husband to tell them to stop? Sometimes they can be really annoying.

DEAR READER: Do not ask your husband to interfere; this is between you and them. Create one response and use it every time they needle you.

For example, if they start in and say your team is lousy, smile sweetly and say sprightly, “Everyone is entitled to their opinion!” Say it again and again. It will bore them to tears, but will also tell them you are not going to just sit there and take it, nor are you going to engage in a battle of words with them.

They needle because they want to provoke you. Your acting both blase, and cheerful, will help them see that you can’t be provoked, and they will tire of the game.

Be wary; they will try to do it again. Remain steadfast and use your same response again and again. It is tiring, but it works!

DEAR ANN: I recently married a man with children and I now have two stepdaughters; they are 8 and 10 years old. When they come to stay, I want them to have a good time and don’t want to nag them about picking up their rooms … but I want them to learn how to pick up their spaces.

So far, I have been doing it after they depart and I am getting tired of it. How can I get them to respect my home and pick up their rooms before they leave to go back to their mom’s?

DEAR READER: You can’t. This is something they have to learn on their own, from good old fashioned logical consequences. As the marriage is new, they are probably testing you, and so far you have taught them that you will clean up after them, so they probably figure, why bother?

It’s best to lovingly forewarn them next time, soon after they arrive, that while you cleaned up their rooms the last few times, it is now their turn to step up to the plate. Tell them that if they don’t, they will find their rooms exactly the way they left them when they return.

Let logical consequences play out: If they clean up, they will have rooms to be proud of, and if they don’t, they will live among dust bunnies. All you need to do is just close the door after they depart and leave the rooms as they are.

After all, as you stated, it’s their space! Let them own it. Give them a chance to learn that the best thing they can ever do is learn how to do things for themselves.

Likewise, the best gift a parent can give to a child is the chance to say, “Look, I did it myself!”

Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.