DEAR ANN: Do you have any Father’s Day ideas?
My dad – and mom, too – have scrimped, saved and sacrificed to be able to send my sister and me to private colleges, totally debt free. While some other parents might have charged up trips, financed cars and mortgaged homes, our dad lived within his means. He simply and steadily saved and saved for us.
He and mom took us on day trips to New Hampshire state parks to save money, bought only a house they could afford on his salary alone and drove sensible cars. All along the way, he instructed us on how to do this for ourselves; as we grew up, we both had to manage our own budgets.
Oh, the time they spent with us!
Once he made more money, he and mom did not spend any on themselves until our college savings accounts and their retirement accounts were overflowing.
He and my mom are now retired with absolutely no debt, no mortgage, no credit cards. etc. – an amazing feat in 2010 – a wonderful example to us. He will not accept any reimbursement from us; he only asks that we do the same for our future children’s education.
My sister and I want to give him something really special this year. We are out of school and are making money, but we are stumped. He would not value a luxury item!
DEAR READER: How about giving him something that shows you truly “got” the lessons he taught you? It sounds to me that he passed on his value of education to you and that he also taught you that family fun did not mean exotic trips for him at your expense. It also shows that he put your welfare and education ahead of his own fun; he and your mom sacrificed for you.
There are any number of free public events and concerts to which you could bring him and your mom, along with a lovely picnic lunch/supper that you make yourselves! That kind of creative, fun and free gift would clearly show him that you learned well his lesson about The Grasshopper and the Ant.
“Save now, buy later” is valid and worthwhile – while the oft-seen “buy now, pay later (with interest)” is not.
DEAR ANN: Father’s Day is coming up soon, on Sunday, June 20. Last year, we received a number of unrelated phone calls during that holiday. They were about golf dates, business, charities – various odds and ends. I was appalled; am I the only one who finds this an offensive interruption during family holiday gathering celebrations? Isn’t it polite to not call on holidays unless one is calling to wish a Happy Fathers’ Day?”
DEAR READER: This is a case of “it’s not what happens, it’s how one sees it.” To you and your family, Father’s Day is something you appear to fully celebrate. To your callers, perhaps it is not.
Fortunately, thanks to today’s technology, one can screen calls and answer only those that might be of interest. As a matter of etiquette, I would choose to not phone anyone on holidays about an unrelated matter unless it was an emergency.
Calls from those who don’t understand can be avoided by screening; let them leave a message.
DEAR ANN: I am in love, and she wants to settle down and get married, but I am not sure if I can make the kind of commitment that is needed.
How do I know if I am ready to get married? I am really concerned about cold feet. I am 25.
DEAR READER:
I believe one is ready when one has no doubts. One is ready when one possesses a deeply centered and grounded belief, coupled with a desire to commit faithfulness to one person.
Until that sense grows within one, I’d say don’t even venture near an altar! Marriage is for the long haul, and the commitment it takes is for the long haul, especially when future children are involved. Divorce always seems to far more affect the kids – for life – than it does the couple. Being unselfish and avoiding any commitments is the way to go until one is fully ready. Also, being “in love” is not enough. To make marriage work, one must be “in love” with the person he or she “loves” – two components that join together to create a long-lasting partnership. “In love” is romance; “love” is mature commitment.
When both are present, one simply knows and is then ready to walk down the aisle.
DEAR ANN: I am invited to a formal wedding, and the invitation advises that I can bring a date. My current boyfriend refuses to dress up. He wants to wear a collared golf shirt and khakis. I know that only a suit and tie are considered correct attire and he won’t even consider it, or even a blazer. He says it’s “not him.” How can I get him to dress up?
DEAR READER: You can’t. Only he can control what he wears. It sounds like he has never learned that dressing up for a wedding is not “about him.”
Dressing up is a message from the guest to the couple: “Your wedding is so special that I am going to make an effort regarding my appearance. I shall take time out of my day to go into my closet and don something that is formal so that I can honor you and your wedding by appearing as well assembled as I possibly can!”
Thus, your choice is to go with him as he is or leave him out, go alone and be open to meeting new people. There is always the hope that he will read this column and realize that he doesn’t stop “being him” when he dresses formally to honor someone else.
DEAR ANN: I was at my attorney’s office, and had to bring my 9-year-old daughter, as her sitter was not available.
I did not want my child to hear the conversation, as it was about divorce, so I asked her if she wanted to wait in the waiting room and read her book. She agreed to wait and read, and so I then told the secretary that I’d leave her there to read while I met with my lawyer. The secretary gave me an odd, questioning look, and rolled her eyes.
Did I do something wrong? I am mystified.
DEAR READER: First, if the secretary was a total stranger to your daughter, it begs the question, who tells a stranger that they are leaving their child alone for a meeting?
Next, you wrote that you asked the child if she wanted to wait in the waiting room, and then you say you told the secretary you were leaving her there. It seems you apparently told the secretary in hopes that she would watch the child for you without directly asking her.
It would have been better to ask the secretary if she could watch your child. The secretary is not a baby sitter, and may well have resented the assumption that she was available for your needs.
Sometimes, it’s all about how things are done. It appears you assumed the secretary would watch your daughter, but never gave her the courtesy of asking her if she could watch the child. Did you think the secretary was available for watching clients’ children all day long? She might have been leaving early that day for one reason or another, and your assumption that she was there until you were finished seeing the attorney might have seemed arrogant.
The secretary might have responded much more positively if she had been asked for her assistance. The rolling of the eyes and questioning look may have been a passive-aggressive reply on her part.
Parents who wish to leave their children under the watch of another, even for a short while, must make sure the person is not a stranger and then gain consent first by asking permission.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.