DEAR ANN: How does one work a unity candle into the ceremony?
DEAR READER: There are several ways to do a unity candle, aka UC, which are relatively new in the world of weddings; they started about 20 years ago.
A unity candle set consists of one large middle candle and holder and two smaller and thinner side candles with holders. Often, the holders for all three candles are all in one unit.
Add four service tapers or small 4-inch candles, two small water bowls, two votive candles as light sources and a lighter or matches. Below, I shall also add the music regimen, so as to be clear.
While the unity candle usually involves mothers, it can include fathers, too. Additionally, it is usually white, but colored candles may be used, as well.
n Method 1: Before the ceremony.
One way I have set up the UC is to have the votives pre-lit. The mothers then are escorted down the aisle by an usher and are seated during their special Seating of the Mothers music.
Next, they look and nod at each other, rise together and approach the altar. From the two small votive pre-lit candles hidden behind the central flower spray or hidden behind the unity candle, the moms each light their own taper, using small tapers that are placed behind the setup. They then light their side unity candles, snuff the tapers in a water bowl placed behind the UC and return to their seats.
Then, the minister, groom and best man appear and the ushers file in, all to the Seating of the Mothers music.
Next, the second piece of music begins and the bridesmaids process. The music changes to the processional for the bride, and the bride comes down the aisle and the ceremony starts.
Later during the ceremony, the officiant advises the couple that it is time to light the UC. Music is played as the couple approach the altar. Each takes another new 4-inch taper, dipping it into the flame of the candle that their mother lit, and then, together, light the central unity candle.
Once lit, the couple dip their tapers into the water bowl and return to their spots on the altar.
There are now three candles glowing: one for each mother and the central UC for the couple. (Behind the UC, the pre-lit votives are still aglow.)
The risk here is that one or both mothers might be anxious and forget to rise and light their candles. At the weddings I choreograph, I always rehearse this part so all feel comfortable.
n Method 2: During the ceremony, all at once.
Sometimes the mothers forget to rise and approach the altar immediately after being seated. So, a less risky way to do this is to wait until the middle part of the ceremony, and the minister invites the mothers to come up to light their candles. They do so as above and return to their seats. Then the couple repeats the above system.
Even though this is less risky because of their level of excitement, I still include it in the rehearsal so it goes smoothly and so the mothers are relaxed about it.
n Method 3: Without the mothers.
This can be done with no mothers’ involvement at all. Simply have an acolyte pre-light the two side mothers’ candles before the service begins, and then during the service, the couple light their unity candle when the officiant invites them to do so.
The UC may be placed on a side table if the altar is small or if the altar flowers leave no room for the UC. Safety is a priority, and if dried flowers are used as decorations, the UC set is best kept far away from them.
Many unity candle sets are made of chrome and purchased at a craft or card store. If couples wish to have a more elaborate set, I suggest buying a pair of fine sterling or crystal candle holders, candles to fit them and a large unity candle that can be placed on on a sterling or crystal plate.
DEAR ANN: We are two gay men who plan to be married next year at our church. Do you have any suggestions as to how to get down the aisle? Also, is a tux appropriate for a morning ceremony?
DEAR READER: Many churches are now practicing equality in states in which same-sex marriage laws prevail. If you want either or both of your parents to be involved, they can walk you down together. You can also walk down together side by side. Consult with your officiant for more ideas depending on the layout of the church.
As to attire: Traditionally, tuxes are worn after 6 p.m., strollers are worn between noon and 6 and morning coats are worn until noon. This a style issue rather than an etiquette issue; today, many couples elect to wear whatever they wish whenever they wish.
DEAR ANN: I would like all my guests to wear white to my wedding. How do I communicate this? Do I say “White Attire Requested” on the invitation?
DEAR READER: I suppose you can always ask them, but guests may take quiet umbrage and not comply. Ask yourself: Would you invite a friend for dinner and require that she wear her blue suit?
A wedding reception can be viewed as a fancy dinner party, so the idea of instructing people about their costuming is tantamount to telling them where to shop for your gift. That is not a good idea unless they ask for such info. This is an etiquette issue, not a style issue.
Some simply may decline your invitation; if someone does not own white clothing, he or she has to decide to spend extra money for an outfit just to “fit in” at your wedding. Perhaps their clothing costs might have to come out of the funds they had set aside for your wedding gift …
DEAR ANN: My mother and I are having a discussion about limousines. What is traditional, white or black?
DEAR READER: Black limousines are the most traditional. White became popular for brides in the 1980s. Now, one often sees antique cars in a variety of colors used for the wedding.
Black, however, remains the most customary limo color; U.S. presidents and dignitaries are always transported in black limousines.
DEAR ANN: Our dearest friends are divorcing; it is not amicable. Our son is being married, and we can’t decide how to handle inviting the divorcing couple. What do we do?
DEAR READER: To prepare, take no sides in any conversations with them. Remain neutral, listen as good friends as needed, passing no comments. Tell them you love them both and that you are inviting them both to your son’s wedding.
Send them separate invitations; let them decide between themselves how to handle their issue of being in the same room at the same time. Accept their decision as to who attends or declines.
It’s hoped both will attend, and they can be seated at separate tables.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com.