DEAR ANN: In this campaign season, I find it irritating and intrusive when candidates enter a restaurant with a camcorder crew and want to shake hands while I am dining alone. What can I do to avoid this? No other strangers I can think of would ever come up and intrude upon my supper, yet candidates seem to think it is their right.
DEAR READER: The first step is to disengage with “the happening.” Make no eye contact with the candidates or any of their entourage. If one of them fails to note your disinterest and approaches you, simply sense their movement and look off to the side, pretending to be fascinated by your flatware! If that act does not dissuade them and they press on, look up and say politely but firmly, “I’m dining” and then return to your meal.
DEAR ANN: I am 59, have lost my spouse, and while it has only been a matter of months, I am ready to socialize again … the time leading up to death was long, with my being more of a caregiver than a spouse. Family and friends say it is too soon for me to date again. Do I really need to wait a full year?
DEAR READER: Why are family and friends even involved in your thoughts about returning to a social life? Have you actually included them in a discussion about your future … asking them for permission to enjoy life? No need. The only opinion about your life that matters is yours. Feel free to engage with life and love as soon as you wish. If you want, share your feelings about returning to dating with a supportive and trusted friend. Life is short; go for what will be good for you. Pleasing others … is up to others to do for themselves. In this era of disappearing privacy, one does not need to rush it by inviting people’s opinions on things that are none of their business.
DEAR ANN: My father passed away; he was a prominent man but we were never close. What do I say when people express their condolences, which they continue to do even though his memorial service is long past. Because we were not close, it feels awkward to respond.
DEAR READER: Again, this is a privacy issue. No one needs to know about the relationship you had or didn’t have with your father. That is solely your business. Say what anyone would say to someone who expresses sympathy: “Thank you for your kind thoughts.”
DEAR ANN: We are teaching phone manners. My husband feels the children should answer the phone formally by saying “Hello, This is Johnny Smith, who is calling please?” I’d prefer a simple “Hello,” but I do want my children to be polite. Which way to go?
DEAR READER: I am with you. The onus is on the caller to identify him/herself, not on your child. In this day and age, it seems far more appropriate to have your child simply say “Hello” and then the caller can say “Hello, this is Mr. Johnson, my I please speak with Ms. Smith?”
DEAR ANN: I am about to be a houseguest for the first time at the home of my boyfriend’s parents. How can I offer to pitch in? I want to make a good impression.
DEAR READER: Arrive with a smile and a simple “bread and butter” gift such as a bouquet of flowers, or a plant. A bottle of wine can be fine too if they enjoy wine; ask your beau first. Keep all your belongings in one place/room that is assigned to you; leave nothing around the house. In the morning, arise when you hear their voices and sense that they are up. Best to dress first and not arrive at the breakfast table in a robe. (If you find them so attired, then you know it is OK for the next day!) Participate in the day’s activities. Offer to help prepare food, set and clear the table.
Observe how the dishes are cleaned and washed, then offer to do them the way they do, which may be different from the way you do them. Keep your laundry in a small bag to take home. Thank them profusely at your departure and handwrite a note of thanks upon your arrival home; mail it the next morning.
DEAR ANN: I have ordered a navy gown for my daughter’s wedding. I have been looking for a navy sandal to wear and cannot find any. I have problems with my feet and need open toes and heels. What color would you suggest?
DEAR READER: If you wish to be traditional, select a shoe that is the same color as, or darker than, your outfit (whatever the outfit may be).
This creates a straight line and that way will draw people’s eyes up to your face. (If you wear silver, gold, white or light colored shoes, observers’ eyes will go to your feet; light draws the eye.)
Perhaps a dyed-to-match sandal will work to match your navy. If not, then black is always fine.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.