DEAR ANN: This year, I would like to teach my niece and nephew about giving and sharing. They already have a lot of material things and are probably expecting the usual ski sweater and toy, but instead, I want to donate in their names to a local charity.
Do I just ask the charity to send the kids a “thank you” acknowledgement so they’ll know what I spent their gift money on?
DEAR READER: Giving to others is a great idea, and how about giving of self and time with some kid involvement?
Instead of being the giver who chooses the charity, ask the children to pick their own charitable organization! Help them to look for and select a worthy one. Use www.give.org if you’re looking for a national foundation, or look at local charities such as food banks.
Make a date to visit each of their chosen charities’ local offices and give the kids a chance to meet the people involved and see how it all works. Take the kids out to lunch or dinner after the visit, and discuss what charities they want to help this holiday season. Revisit the chosen charities with funds in the kids’ hands and let the child have the experience of giving – and make it an annual holiday event!
Return home, and over cookies and cocoa, talk about how good giving feels after the donations are made.
Ditto for adult giving; as the giver, ask your adult giftees what charity they would choose, then give to that charity rather than picking a charity yourself. After receiving the donation in your giftees’ names, the charity will then send an acknowledgement directly to your giftees if you supply their addresses.
DEAR ANN: Our 25-year-old daughter “Sue” has just “come out of the closet” to us, and there will be many family members and old friends at our holiday party.
Do we announce this news to people ahead of time? She will have her partner, Mary, with her. We wonder if advance notice is a good thing.
Many of my friends talked about trying to “fix her up” with men during get-togethers this past fall. Do I just announce that she is a lesbian before they can bring it up again? I don’t want anyone to continue to assume she is available for dating.
DEAR READER: Hmmm … let’s think this through. Would parents call all their family, friends and party guests to inform them about their child’s sexuality or any other item of personal identity? Sue’s sexuality is part of her identity and is no one else’s business. Announcing that she is a lesbian would be raising a topic that is strictly her issue, meaning it is hers only to raise – or not.
In this day and age, people are finally able to be who they are, openly and happily. Sexuality need not be “announced” like it is a topic of some kind of local news. Today, many gay and lesbian people attend holiday family parties with their partners and no one bats an eyelash; they just all enjoy each other’s company.
Your daughter can introduce Mary as her partner, and guests will conclude that Sue is now “taken” and enjoying a nice relationship!
DEAR ANN: By our choice, following a long-ago Christmas falling-out, my husband and I have had no contact with his parents for years. My children are older; they are college age, and are asking more about their grandparents. I have asked them to abide by our wishes and not contact them even though they live locally.
I have just heard that my son has secretly been in contact with his grandparents. Do I confront him, tell him I know and say we will refuse to fund his college education if he continues to visit them? I don’t know what to do. I am not ready to change anything with my in-laws.
DEAR READER: It sounds like the issue is between you, your husband and his parents – but not the kids. Is there a logical reason for the now adult children to avoid their grandparents? Or is maintaining total control over the situation at the heart of the matter?
Unless the grandparents are convicted felons, this may well come down to a simple power and control struggle. Distance-keeping may have worked in the past, but once kids become adults, they can do as they want.
Unless one is fully prepared to carry out this threat and withhold tuition – which could lead to a second generation of estrangement from parent to child – I’d say let go, and pick battles carefully.
The son is the one who wants to change the status with his grandparents. It doesn’t have to include you, if you are not ready to change anything. As an adult, he is now free to see whomever he wishes to see.
DEAR ANN: We have two very young children, and although we want to fully celebrate all aspects of Christmas, my husband and I disagree on how much to say about “the gift bringer in the red suit.”
He wants to go all out and make a big deal about it, and worse, I even heard him tell the kids that they would not get gifts if they misbehaved. I was appalled. My parents did that to me, and I was terribly crushed and deeply saddened when I learned otherwise; I could not believe they would use “S” to wield power and tell me such untruths.
I do not want to put my kids through that kind of threatening, followed by the kind of heartache that I felt over the loss of my strongly held childish fantasy-belief. How can we compromise?
DEAR READER: Let your kids decide – gradually, over time. This is easily done by your not mentioning the “S” word – and not raising the subject of him at all!
However, whenever the child brings up the subject and asks, one can answer – but with another question.
For example, the child asks, “Does the ‘gift bringer’ really fly over the moon?” The answer can be “What do you think?” That will cause the child to pause, think and state his or her own answer.
Next, you can respond with “That’s interesting!” By being noncommittal and never saying, “Yes, he exists,” and never saying, “No, he doesn’t exist,” one allows the child to grow into a belief that he or she can sustain.
The role of parent can be to act blase when asked about any mythical characters. Doing so allows the child to decide what is believable and how much he or she wants to buy into the fantasy.
This may rob the parent of some fun, but in the long run, being noncommital means the child does not suffer a loss, and that makes it all worth it! After all, it is all about the kids, not about the parents!
DEAR ANN: At our holiday pot-luck party, I am including some friends who smoke. I think they will know better, but to be on the safe side, should I put up a fancy sign and that says Thank You for Not Smoking?
DEAR READER: Probably not. It’s perhaps best to simply not put out any ashtrays; they’ll get the message. If they ask for an ash tray, respond, “This is a smoke-free home; please feel free to go outside.”
DEAR ANN: I am afraid to say that I am one of those 13 million people who was mentioned on the radio around Thanksgiving who is still paying off last year’s Christmas gift charges. My job may be in jeopardy, and I simply cannot afford to spend money like I did last year. I fear my giftees are expecting more great gifts, but I cannot produce. What shall I do?
DEAR READER: On what do your giftees base their expectations? Did you promise them in writing that you would be giving to them this year? It’s best to just send a cheerful card, wishing them a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Joyful Kwanzaa or Happy Holidays to cover all!
Know that many others are in the same boat with you; if affordable, bake each a batch of brownies, put a pretty bow on them and Voila! Merry Merry!
DEAR ANN: I have limited holiday money to spend, and I want to shop very wisely this year. Any suggestions?
DEAR READER: Yes, buy only what is affordable; incur no debt by paying cash only! And how about shopping locally so that dollars go into New Hampshire’s economy!
As for me, I shall buy locally made goods, and I am also going for gifts that are totally useful; many will be edible. I shall assemble big baskets of foods that I know will be consumed, such as a pasta, sauce and cheese basket; a cookie, tea and coffee basket; a basket of assorted cheese and crackers, etc. I shall avoid buying foods that contain high-fructose corn syrup.
For me, it is all about practical, healthy gifts, made in the USA, that put my holiday dollars into the pockets of local stores to pay local workers.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.