DEAR READERS: While the players and hosts on reality TV and on radio and TV talk shows, elect to eschew their privacy and lay themselves bare to the world, it does not mean society has to follow suit. To share, explain or comment is a choice.
Today’s column deals with the possibility of intrusive questions. Yes, freedom of speech means one can ask about anything without getting thrown in jail. However, it also means the recipient of a personal question may remove the questioner from his or her list of social contacts; logical consequences abound!
It also means one does not have to supply an answer. Thinking before speaking can be a trial in this new world of political and entertainment personalities who engage in public venting, yelling, name calling, baring one’s soul and TMI. It’s hoped their behavior does not set an example for the rest of the world to follow.
DEAR ANN: Today, many physically challenged folks are able to get around in wheelchairs, and we see them in public places. I want to teach my kids the proper way to treat people.
Is it appropriate to teach them to ask a question about the person’s condition? Often, I read articles in which the person in a wheelchair says he or she wants people to ask, rather than stare. What to teach the kids?
DEAR READER: It’s more than a choice of asking versus staring. One person may welcome questions; another may not. The condition belongs to the individual, so let him be the guide.
Basically, teach the kids to smile at the individual, perhaps offer to open a door, if such a gesture is seemly, but never ask a personal question.
If the other person invites discussion or makes a comment about his life’s challenge, then he is inviting conversation about it. If not, carry on politely, much as one would whether the person was challenged or not. Having a physical condition or challenge is not grounds for having to explain oneself to anyone!
DEAR ANN: We have adopted two children from Russia. People from everywhere – family, friends and strangers – think it is OK to ask questions about the kids, sometimes even in front of them!
The one question I hear over and over again is, “Why did you adopt from Russia?” It’s really no one’s business, so how do I answer that?
DEAR READER: It all depends on how the question is asked. If you are having a pleasant discussion initiated by you on the topic of adoption, and the genuinely interested individual asks, “How did you happen to decide on Russia?” then you know this person is expressing real interest in a polite way, as part of the conversation you started, and you can give them as much of an answer as you wish.
If, however, the questioner is more verbally aggressive and bluntly says, “Why Russia?” when you have not even brought up the subject, the answer can be as simple as, “We love Russia and her people.” Then, change the subject “… and isn’t this a lovely day? We’re thinking of going hiking this afternoon. I hope you do something fun in all this sunshine!” Then, part company!
If stronger language is necessary, one can always say, with a smile, “We don’t discuss our children.”
DEAR ANN: My wonderful son lives in a big city in another state, and is engaged to marry his partner; their engagement announcement with photo was published in their city’s newspaper.
A local acquaintance who gets the paper came up to me in the supermarket and said she had seen the announcement and hadn’t known he was gay, and how did I feel about it, and how do my elderly parents feel about it. I was flabbergasted at the boldness of her questions, and did not say much in response.
I’d like to have something on the tip of my tongue for the next time I get quizzed.
DEAR READER: Your son’s sexuality or state of being as a gay person is nothing that requires that your acquaintance be notified! How you and your elderly parents feel about his coming marriage is also none of her business.
Her only comment to you should have been, “I saw your son’s engagement notice in the paper. Congratulations!” Then, you’d have smiled and said, “Thank you. We’re delighted!” and continue to peruse the seafood display.
Since she opted for a different course, it may be best to ignore all her questions and simply say what you would have said had she been more gracious: “Wasn’t it a great photo! We’re delighted! Have a nice day!”
People cannot invade the personal areas of your life if you do not answer their intrusive questions!
DEAR ANN: We are Caucasian, and have adopted a child from Africa. People are always coming up to us and asking if he is adopted. It is none of their business! Do we have to answer? How do we answer? We do not want to be rude, yet we think it is rude for people to ask us.
DEAR READER: Yes, it is rude for people to ask such personal questions about anything, unless you have raised the issue. Thus, there are several options:
n Pretend you didn’t hear; ignore the question, turn away and comment about the lovely weather.
n Say, “Excuse me?” in a quiet tone of incredulity accompanied by a puzzled brow, giving the questioner pause to realize that his or her question was intrusive and let him or her change the subject.
n Say, “Yes, he is adopted and we so enjoy coming to this beautiful park; do your children enjoy coming here? We just love the swings and slides” and go on about the qualities of the park, changing the subject.
n Say, “Yes, he is adopted – and I imagine you are asking because you want to learn more about African adoptions! I am happy to share information about how to go about adopting a child from Africa. In fact, I have a brochure right here!” (Always carry a brochure!)
DEAR ANN: My son is seeing a Muslim woman. We are not Muslim; we are having a family event to which he will bring her. I am sure she will wear her hijab (head scarf), as she usually does. I am concerned that some of the older family members will make comments.
She is a lovely girl, and I want her to enjoy the event and be comfortable, yet I cannot control what people say, but I’d like to be able to start off and take the lead by saying something positive.
DEAR READER: Greet her warmly, making no comment about her attire. If someone says something, then take the lead and admire her head scarf, noting the lovely silk from which her hijab is made, its pattern and color – all the while not commenting on the reason she wears it – and then change the subject and offer some refreshments.
She is in the USA, a country that is based on religious freedom, which means she has a right to practice her religion as she sees fit, and others must respect that right, although they do not have to respect her actual belief.
In respecting her right to wear her hijab, without comment, the guests would be respecting her religious freedom, not necessarily her religious beliefs.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.