DEAR ANN: My nephew is graduating from prep school. Recently, his parents returned from a lovely island vacation, which I assumed they took because they could afford to. However, when I asked my nephew what he preferred for a graduation gift, he replied, “Anything that helps me to reduce my college debt.”
I was stunned; how can people like my brother spend money on private high schools and travel to exotic locations when their kids’ college accounts are still lacking?
DEAR READER: Perhaps it is a matter of values. It seems the days of parents scrimping and saving to send kids to college have dwindled.
Finances are personal territory, and what one parent will do, another may not. Today, many elect to have their children take the community college route for the first two years and then transfer to a four-year school to save on costs.
Some parents are unwilling to give up their nice vacations in order to set aside funds for college, but many are. It is all in the eye of the beholder; it sounds as if your gift could be one that will help him reduce his college debt.
DEAR ANN: We are a young couple who want to plan our reception seating. We are not having a head table so that the attendants can sit with their spouses. As bride and groom, we shall sit together at a smaller table with our best man and maid of honor.
How do we seat parents? Should we put our parents with us at our table? The bride’s parents are divorced and are civil, but not cordial. The groom’s parents are married to each other. Do we seat them all with us?
DEAR READER: You could seat them with you if you included all of them and if the divorced couple were very friendly. But since the bride’s parents are divorced and not close, it may help to follow tradition.
Traditionally, if divorced, the bride’s mother would have a table for her and her closest family and friends. Likewise, the bride’s father would have a separate table for him and his closest family and friends, and the groom’s parents would also have their own table for their closest family and friends.
Tables usually seat 8-10, and should be the ones placed nearest to the table at which the bride and groom will be seated.
DEAR ANN: As a new female college graduate going into a business position, I am grateful for my chance to advance. I would like to know: In this era of some people hugging when they meet for the very first time, how do I know what to do or how to respond in a business setting?
DEAR READER: Congratulations on completing your education and graduating!
Entering the business world, one may find that the rules have changed. For example, it used to be that a woman did not shake hands with another woman, nor did she shake hands with a gentleman, unless the woman offered her hand limply, wishing to appear extra cordial. Today, women and men shake hands firmly, unless cultural, health or pain reasons forbid it.
Hugs are reserved for those you know, and sometimes it can be appropriate to ask “Can I give you a hug?” before engaging.
It is quite simple; just be aware. If the person you are greeting offers his or her hand immediately, follow the person’s lead and do not go for a hug.
DEAR ANN: In trying to make some extra money, I am wondering about eBay; what is eBay etiquette these days? I see that people often comment rather sharply as to postage fees and charges that a seller states in their auction.
DEAR READER: A seller can charge whatever he or she wishes; the bidder can choose to bid or not. Bidders do not need to complain; many do, though, as they have freedom of speech to do so.
However, if a prospective bidder e-mails the seller to complain, the seller is not obligated to answer the bidder, nor does the seller have to post the bidder’s query on the seller’s auction site.
So, charge what you wish, and those who want the item will bid – or not.
DEAR ANN: My friend is putting her daughter into kiddie beauty pageants. She is urging me to join her.
I went to one, and the only people that showed up are the parents, and also the expense for the costumes, makeup and hair is really high.
My daughter is 3. She is very cute, and I am wondering if this path can truly lead to modeling and an entertainment career.
DEAR READER: My take on this is that if pageants were the way to go, you would see the presidential daughters, as well as children of movie stars, engaging in this sort of competition. But they do not.
If your daughter might make a cute model, there are any number of agencies in Boston to which you can take her for a free opinion. Meeting with an agent is free, and good ethical agencies do not insist that kids enter pageants or take modeling lessons. Most agencies look for a child who can take direction more than they look for a child who is adorable.
I would wait until she is old enough to make a conscious decision to enter any activity, be it sports or pageants or music, etc. Participation in many of these arenas requires practice and keen interest, which are usually beyond the scope of a 3-year-old.
As to the expense, with rising college costs, it might be wise to save the money in a college account rather than spend it on items that are not truly necessary to the development of a child – such as tiaras.
DEAR ANN: In June, my son will graduate from a high school in which his teachers were allowed to invite the students to call them by their first names. It was fine within the culture of that one particular school, but as he enters college, I am concerned he will forget to wait to be invited to address a teacher or adult in such a familiar way. How can I help to prepare him?
DEAR READER: You can suggest, but he may learn the hard way, as many do from time to time. When speaking with a business superior, a teacher or an older person, it is best to start by addressing that person as Mr., Ms., Mrs. or Miss, followed by their surname.
Perhaps his high school has set the pace for this already by making sure the students understand that they call their teacher by the first name only when invited to do so.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.