DEAR ANN: My college-age daughter, 22, is enamored of those reality TV shows and aspires to be on one, like “The Bachelorette.” She thinks they are real. I am concerned she is looking at them way too seriously. Do you think they are genuine?
DEAR READER: Absolutely not, not any more! They may have started out with some truth, but have morphed into acting opportunities for the average person! In my view, the only reality TV is what one sees on the news or in court shows. On any other shows, such as “The Bachelorette,” I believe that the real people become “re-lebrities” and are directed by the producers and directors to cry on cue, say the word “amazing” at least twice in every sentence, and then act in a way that will serve to create conflict and drama, get the viewer to tune in, watch the ads and buy the products that are advertised. It is that simple. Anyone who believes that any of what is shown has a shred of truth, is in my view, highly gullible. If she wants a dose of reality, she might try volunteering at a local hospital.
DEAR ANN: In this pre-primary campaign season, I find it irritating and intrusive when candidates enter a restaurant with a camcorder crew and want to shake hands while I am dining. What can I do to avoid this? No other strangers I can think of would ever come up and intrude upon my meal, yet some of these presidential candidates seem to think it is their right.
DEAR READER: The first step is to disengage with the happening. Make no eye contact with the candidates or any of their entourage. If one of them fails to note your disinterest and approaches you, simply sense their movement and look off to the side, pretending to be fascinated by your flatware! If that act does not dissuade them, and they press on, look up and say politely and firmly, “I am dining,” and then return to your meal.
DEAR ANN: Someone told me wedding and other invitations should never be mailed on a Monday... do you know why?
DEAR READER: In all my years of planning and advising, I have never heard of such a thing! I checked on google and could find nothing to support the concept.
DEAR ANN: My son is graduating from high school. Ought we send announcements out to all, or does it look like a “grab for gifts”?
DEAR READER: It is fine to send announcements to immediate family and very close friends. However, it is different if you are hosting a graduation party. In that case, the circle can widen, and you can send the announcement, enclosed with the invitation to your event , to anyone you’d like to invite.
DEAR ANN: Our daughter is being married for the second time; is there any etiquette about what parents pay for? We already gave her an expensive first wedding that ended in divorce, and we really cannot afford to pay for another. How do we tell her?
DEAR READER: When it is a second or subsequent marriage, traditionally, there is no parental funding expected. If the parents wish to fund, that is fine, but in traditional etiquette, parental funding is usually not at the level that it was for the first wedding.
I would imagine that she knows better than to ask for her parents to pay for a second wedding, and I cannot envision that someone would have an undiscussed expectation of parental funding. Have a nice chat with her in which you wish her well and state that you would be happy to be at the wedding and give her a nice wedding gift, but that this time, you plan to be guests, not the hosts.
DEAR ANN: For years I have been estranged from my adult children. I would like to begin to change this. Is it better to e-mail, write, call or drop in to begin an exchange? What can I say that would help us reconnect?
DEAR READER: Dropping in, without an invitation would be intrusive; it would be best to avoid any sudden movement. An e-mail or letter sent in advance, simply asking for permission to call, gives your children the option to respond. Asking how they are and if you can call them shows that you are making it “about them” and not “about you,” which is usually the best place for a person to start. To help reconnect, avoid using the word “you,” especially as in “you should” or “you should have.” It might also be wise to avoid discussing the past without professional help being present. Focusing on asking your children how they are doing now and maintaining an interest in their feelings and lives can be a helpful pathway back to beginning a new relationship.
DEAR ANN: Who pays for wedding flowers?
DEAR READER: Traditionally, the ceremony flowers, reception flowers and the bridesmaids’ flowers, including their floral headpieces, if any, have always been the financial territory of the bride and/or her family. It used to be that the altar flowers’ expense could be shared by any and all brides getting married the same day at the same church or venue, as daytime weddings were popular. And several brides would share the flowers because, traditionally, they were never removed from the church/venue and were always white.
Then came the 1970s and new ways to wed! Enter evening weddings, colored flowers and brides selecting their favorite blooms ... so rarely today do brides share ceremonial flowers.
The groom and or his family traditionally pay for the bride’s bouquet (chosen by her, but paid for by the groom), who also pays for all corsages and boutonnieres for both sides of the family.)
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.