DEAR ANN: As you are a JP, we are writing our wedding vows and are looking for ideas. What have you heard that worked? Do you have suggestions? What to say, what to avoid?
DEAR READER: In my years of working with couples, I often advise them to look at the many books and Internet sources available and then consider vows that they can say, which they are ready to make and keep.
Sometimes, couples pledge many things to which they are not really ready to truly commit just because the words sound nice.
Perhaps the biggest pitfall to avoid are the phrases about “making one happy.” A person or spouse is not responsible for the happiness of anyone but himself or herself. Therefore, vows such as “I promise to make you happy” or “You make me so happy” put an excessive burden on the relationship.
Also, it is best to work with a JP or clergyperson who understands this and does not encourage couples to promise to “make each other happy.” Relationships can enhance what is already there, but cannot fulfill, make happy or “complete” another person.
DEAR ANN: We are no longer Catholic, yet our son was given a set of sterling silver rosary beads at his Protestant christening from my Catholic aunt.
I opened the gift and thanked her, but my husband says I should have handed it back and said we are not Catholic. He thinks it was a “message” that we should return to her church, and he was totally turned off. Was he right?
DEAR READER: No. In my view, you did the gracious and proper thing. Thank the giver for the gift no matter what it is, and later, do whatever you want with the beads.
One cannot control what others do or give, but one can control how one responds to it. Continue to practice the faith in which you now believe; do whatever you want with the gift – any gift.
DEAR ANN: More and more often, I hear young people speaking in profanity in public and using four-letter words in everyday conversation. Is it appropriate to tell them to stop, especially when older people and children are around?
DEAR READER: In my view, I’d move the old folks and the youngsters out of earshot. The teens have freedom of speech – even nasty speech – as do you.
If you tell or ask them to stop their vile language, I would expect they could totally ignore you or reply using even worse language.
On the other hand, parents can certainly advise their teens of the possible consequences of poor verbal behavior.
For example, I was once standing near some teens using inappropriate language. Later, one of them appeared before me as a job candidate. The individual was not hired, and I explained that I could not hire someone whose behavior in public was not acceptable with the image of our company. He was astonished; he was not even aware his behavior had been witnessed.
I can only hope it was a teaching moment.
DEAR ANN: I am having a “discussion” with my daughter. We went clothes shopping, and my beloved and tired 5- and 7-year-old granddaughters were annoying and cranky the whole time, running around, in and out of clothing racks.
I think kids do not belong in stores while adults shop for adult clothing. She thinks it’s OK. I do not want to put myself or the kids through this again, especially as back-to-school shopping is coming up. Help!
DEAR READER: I agree that putting tired kids in situations in which they cannot respond positively is difficult. You and your daughter can arrange a shopping day for yourselves and get a sitter.
Perhaps another tactic is to bring the kids and make it a lesson. Teach the concept of time – get the kids watches, and tell the kids that in 30 minutes, you will take them to the children’s department to look for something for them – and follow through like clockwork!
Otherwise, the only way to prevent this is to be “busy” the next time your daughter suggests shopping together; it might be wise to ask if she is dragging tired children along before you accept her invitation.
DEAR ANN: What is a proper restaurant tip? We had a poor dining experience, and my friend said we should have left a penny to indicate that.
DEAR READER: Leaving a penny expresses anger, but does not help to achieve change. Perhaps the poor experience had more to do with the kitchen’s timing and busyness than the waitstaff’s behavior.
Traditional tipping is 15 percent, but tipping for better service is 20 percent. I would leave the 15 percent and then contact the manager privately and politely to express the problem in hopes that going forward they can make a change if they wish to invite your business back.
DEAR ANN: My daughter has many piercings in her ears and a tattoo on her arm. She is getting married, and looking at gowns.
I think she would look better in her wedding photos if she removed the many earrings and also chose a dress that covers her tattoo. She wants to show them all off. How can I convince her?
DEAR READER: As an adult, she is free to do as she wishes. The only advice I can offer is that this is about “style.” Styles change, and can provide many chuckles over the years.
Some couples who look back at their 1970s wedding pictures often have a good laugh over powder blue tuxedos with ruffled shirts. At the time, they were considered the “in” thing.
Some brides prefer to select a classic look, while others like to sport a trendy look, knowing that down the road, it may look outdated and give them pause for a good laugh. It’s her look to decide upon.
Ask her how she’d like to look in her wedding photos years from now, when she reaches her 25th wedding anniversary – classic or trendy? (And as the MOB, you can look however you like!)
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.