DEAR ANN: With Sept. 11th’s 10-year anniversary approaching, I am trying to find a way to celebrate the day with my friend who lost a loved one. What can you suggest? It has to be appropriate; she is conservative. (There is no grave to visit.)
DEAR READER: First, a thought about semantics. I would steer away from the word “celebrate” and go for the word “observe” or “commemorate,” as many churches and towns may well have commemorations or observances, but I doubt any would have “celebrations.”
Today, the word “celebration” is often used at services when reflecting on the life of a passed loved one, but the memorializing of the event that took that life is not referred to as a celebration.
Thus, I might contact my friend and ask if he or she would like some company on that day, and if so, if perhaps he or she would like to attend a commemorative observance, or perhaps spend some time together having a meal and quiet conversation.
DEAR ANN: At a recent funeral, I saw someone taking pictures of the people gathered there. It was not the funeral of a famous person, so it was not a news photographer.
Several of us met after and discussed it over dinner and wondered why he was there and why he took pictures. We did not want to mention it to the family, lest it upset them. We wondered if we should have asked him to stop.
How can we handle this kind of problem in the future?
DEAR READER: It is always best to place these situations in the hands of the person in charge. Often, that may be a family member, or sometimes the funeral director.
It is very possible that the family requested, for whatever reason, that the pictures be taken, and the funeral director was allowing the photography to take place.
Often, things are not as they seem, and that is the time to take a step back and know that in their grief, different people want different things done at the time of a service for the passing of a loved one.
DEAR ANN: My father died five and a half years ago. My mother still wears her wedding ring on her left hand. It’s been five years; is it right for me to tell her it’s time to remove the ring?
DEAR READER: No. Removing the ring is up to her. Some women wear it forever, others move it to their right hand, others place it on a chain on their neck, some enshrine it in a keepsake frame complete with other bridal memorabilia from their happy day.
There are a plethora of ways she can use or display her ring – or leave it where it is, on her third finger, left hand. It is no one else’s business but hers.
DEAR ANN: My husband recently passed away. I am from that era in which I was formally addressed as Mrs. John Doe rather than Ms. Mary Jane Doe.
A friend told me that as a widow, I can no longer be called Mrs. John Doe. I argued that as long as I am widowed and not divorced that I can be addressed as Mrs. John Doe.
What does etiquette say?
DEAR READER: You are correct in thinking that traditional etiquette states that a married woman who loses her husband to death can still properly be addressed as Mrs. John Doe. However, in this day and age, you can call yourself anything you wish. It is your call – only you can decide what you will answer to!
DEAR ANN: How does our wedding reception master of ceremonies introduce us when we enter?
DEAR READER: You have several options:
n As Mr. and Mrs. Robert Smith.
n As Mr. Robert Smith and Ms. Carol Johnson if you are keeping your own name.
n As Mr. Robert Smith and Ms. Carol Smith if you are taking his last name but wish to have your own first name in the introduction.
Typically, Mr. and Mrs. Robert and Carol Smith is not used.
Also, FYI, it is rare these days that couples are “introduced” in a grand reception entrance, complete with an announced chorus of attendants, parents and grandparents. That was more of a ’90s thing.
DEAR ANN: It feels to me like I am being avoided by my family. In many ways, I am helpful, often giving free advice and helping with home repair projects. Why would people want to ignore me at family events and avoid someone who just wants to help?
DEAR READER: Are people asking for your advice? Or are you offering it freely – and perhaps in an authoritative or imperative way? If so, some phrases to avoid are:
“What you have to understand is …” which can be replaced with, “What I can share with you is …”
“You should …” which can be replaced with, “I think it might be helpful to …”
“Be mindful …” which can be replaced with, “What I like to keep in mind is …”
“I think you should …” which can be replaced with, “Have you thought of trying …”
As with many things in life, it is all in the waiting until one is asked – and then, it’s the approach!
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.