DEAR ANN: I read recently where someone referred to wedding couples smashing cake in each other’s faces as a long-held “tradition.” Is it?
DEAR READER: Absolutely not. It started in the 1980s, when weddings changed significantly. Couples began getting away from dignified traditional weddings and chose to marry while riding roller coasters, jumping out of planes, diving underwater, etc.
This morphed into people marrying in a plethora of new ways and pushing the envelope in all manner of wedding areas – among them the cake cutting, as well as applause during the service, removing flowers from the church, colored bridal flowers, response cards, etc.
In my view, shoving cake in the face of anyone is an assault and an act of abuse, and to do it on the most special day of a couple’s life doesn’t bode well for their future. I have taken pride in the fact that none of my wedding clients have ever done this to each other!
Etiquette is about kindness. The tried and true method is to cut the cake together and feed each other gently.
DEAR ANN: At recent formal weddings, I see more and more men taking off their jackets, and even saw a wedding where the men’s shirttails were completely hanging out during the reception dancing.
What has happened to proper formal weddings?
DEAR READER: Welcome to the world of utter casualness. Interestingly, at other events, I don’t see men in shirtsleeves.
For example, at a formal dinner party in a home or at a business banquet, one usually doesn’t see a male remove his jacket and untuck his shirt after the meal is served! Why some do it at weddings is a mystery to me. Perhaps the alcohol intake is partly responsible, or perhaps people who do that just don’t know any better.
In thinking more about this trend, I am aware that weddings can also perhaps be opportunities for social and career networking. If I were at a wedding and also happened to be keeping an eye out for someone I might like to talk to at a later date about business, the last person I would contact, is the one who does not know how to present himself or herself at a formal event by keeping the jacket on and the shirt tucked in.
Etiquette is about kindness. Remaining jacketed is a kind way to express to the couple that one cared enough about this wedding day to recognize it as being special and to dress accordingly – keeping all of one’s clothes on and in place.
DEAR ANN: Is it still bad manners to bring a wrapped gift to a wedding?
DEAR READER: Yes, it still is considered thoughtless by many to bring a gift to a wedding, because it puts a burden on the couple and/or their families of having to transport the gift home after the wedding along with all the other items they will be lugging.
Etiquette is about kindness. Shipping the gift to the couple’s home ahead of or after the wedding is the kind and traditional way to go.
DEAR ANN: Do we have to do both a receiving line and appear at every table at our wedding?
DEAR READER: The optional receiving line offers guests the chance to greet you and removes the need for the newlyweds to stop at every table.
Simply set the line up far across the room so guests don’t have to go through it to get into the reception, which can create a bottleneck. Let them enter and choose to get a drink or an hors d’oeuvre, or stroll over to where you have positioned your receiving line.
Etiquette is about kindness, and about making sure a receiving opportunity is offered so that guests can wish the couple well. It is also good for the couple to be kind to themselves, and have a chance to dine and dance at their own wedding and not have to stop at every table.
DEAR ANN: As the mother of the groom, I am thinking about buying a cream dress. My sister told me it is rude to wear this color of dress because all shades of cream and white are traditionally reserved for the bride. Is this so?
DEAR READER: Yes, your sister is correct.
Etiquette is about kindness – it is the bride and groom’s day, not the mother of the groom’s day, so all traditionally attired guests would sport some kind of color on their outfit.
Black is more acceptable these days for guests, but is still frowned upon in some circles, for mothers’ attire. Yes, all shades of white or cream are traditionally reserved for the bride.
DEAR ANN: At a recent wedding reception at a private country club, which I went to as a guest, there was a big golf tournament also going on. The spectators were very noisy with their cheers and applause.
I have booked the same club for my wedding and want to prevent this from happening to me. What can I do? Hire someone to ask the spectators to be quiet?
I am paying a lot of money for this club, and don’t want a noisy reception. Should I change the date?
DEAR READER: A country club’s purpose is to serve its members. If they elect to gain some business by allowing their rooms to be used for functions, then caveat emptor!
Check the dates with the club to see what dates they have assigned to their own tournaments, and then if need be, choose a day on which there are no major club events.
Etiquette is about kindness. Be kind to yourselves and select a site that can guarantee there will be nothing else going on that day.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.