DEAR ANN: Here comes the holiday season, and with it, all the regrets and family mistakes I have made.
After a bitter divorce 20 years ago, I am totally estranged from my ex-wife and my two adult sons, and wonder if Thanksgiving is the time to try to make amends and come together.
I am aging, and when I look back, I wish I had done things differently. I am very sorry I was so hurtful to them.
My own family situation was one of estrangement, and so I didn’t have much of a family life growing up to use as an example on which to build my own marriage and family. I only know I wish I had my boys in my life again.
Not sure how to proceed … maybe have my current wife invite them to a Thanksgiving dinner? Take them out to dinner?
DEAR READER: While Thanksgiving’s concept allows for this idea to burgeon, the most successful path is perhaps the road taken slowly and lightly. Any invitations should come from you personally and not your wife – and would best be saved for much, much later.
If you are totally estranged from your sons, perhaps start in the form of a note or a Thanksgiving card with a handwritten message of good wishes for them expressing that you care very much about them.
Keep it light; make sure your message is about them and your good thoughts for them, and not about you and your regrets and your needs – and not a word about their mother, except perhaps to say you hope she is well, too. There is plenty of time for details later, if at all.
Cards are essentially the way you can knock on their doors. If you have their addresses and the cards do not come back “Return to Sender,” then they have opened the door. Whether they let you in might well depend on how you proceed.
Go slowly, taking baby steps, with more weekly cards or notes and later, perhaps a plant or a gift card for the holiday season if you and they celebrate one of the December holidays. Ditto for their birthdays. No face-to-face contact until they express interest.
If you make a steady effort for six months and they are responding on some level, follow their lead and see what they will accept from you.
As for Thanksgiving dinner: maybe 2012? Or later? No doubt they probably have made their own holiday plans already, and after years of being estranged, it will take a long time before breaking bread together might be appealing to them.
Lastly, have no expectations of them. It is what it is and it will go where it goes – and it could go well if you proceed very carefully and very, very slowly, and very, very, very thoughtfully – thinking about them every step of the way.
It may take many months – even years – of you doing all the work until you hear back from them. Keeping at it and never giving up can help to win their hearts back. And if not, at least you will know you made the effort, that every week for the rest of your life you demonstrated, directly to them, that you had always had them in your heart.
DEAR ANN: Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I am in a new city, and have no family in the area.
One of my neighbors has invited me to her home for Thanksgiving dinner. As delighted as I am, I am also a little socially uneducated. What does one do in New England as a token for such a great kindness? Would tickets to a live show be acceptable?
DEAR READER: While tickets to a live show such as a play or musical might be a bit much, it is always better to give than to not give. Some other more typical suggestions for such a “bread and butter” gift might be to offer to make or bake and bring a ready-to-serve side dish, or buy a bottle of wine and/or a seasonal plant.
Having autumnal flowers delivered the day before is also an option. While the hostess may have already planned her centerpiece, they might make a nice accessory to her decor on a side table.
Also, know also that any consumable offering you bring may well be set aside for the hostess to enjoy at her leisure, as her menu may be set.
DEAR ANN: I have a sister who always comes to all family events about 30-45 minutes ahead of the appointed time to “help.” Her timing is not a help to me; rather, it is a hindrance.
How can I convey this to her and not hurt her feelings? I need my alone time before hosting a big family dinner to gather my thoughts and not have anyone there I have to converse with!
DEAR READER: The “good guest” arrives 10-15 minutes after the time stated on the dinner invitation – never at the exact hour and never early.
One approach is to advise her that the event starts 30-45 minutes later than it is going to start; that way, she will arrive “on time.”
Or, if evading her seems difficult, speak to her directly. If it is hard to speak plainly with her, then perhaps you could accept her earliness and set aside one task for her to do and have it ready to work on when she appears.
For example, if you are having a buffet, set out all the forks, knives and spoons and ask her to wrap them in your linen napkins and tie each with a bow and place them in a basket. Once she starts, leave her to her work and collect yourself.
DEAR ANN: My aunt is having Thanksgiving dinner again this year. I have a new boyfriend; we have been dating for a couple of months. He is also new to the area and I want to bring him to our family dinner, as his job does not give him time off to fly home.
I mentioned to my mom that I’d be bringing him. My mother advised me to not bring him unless I am invited to, but I know my aunt would just love him; they are both into bird-watching. Is it rude to ask my aunt if I can bring him?
DEAR READER: Yes, it is always rude to ask a hostess if you can add on additional people to her event! However, you could mention him to your aunt and chat about what a bird lover he is, and that might pique her interest enough for her to ask you to bring him over for Thanksgiving dinner.
DEAR ANN: Recently, I had major surgery, and am still recovering. I always did Thanksgiving dinner, and I know everyone thinks that since I am coming along so well, I will be able to host it again this year.
My brother suggested that he and my other siblings can do the side dishes and I could just do the turkey. However, that feels like too much for me! I’d still have to clean, set out tableware and linens, and I am really, really drained. I was released from the hospital just two weeks ago.
I know I have a few weeks before the holiday, but having to commit now is more than I want to handle. I am afraid that if I say no, they will all think I am wimping out and be upset with me.
DEAR READER: Let them be upset with you! Though truly, no one with any feelings for you would be upset.
True family and friends have your best interests at heart, and your health is of prime concern. They would much rather you heal well and fully.
Suggest that all go out to a restaurant, and ask someone else to run with it and make the plans while you rest and recover.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.