DEAR ANN: We are looking for creative ways to celebrate the holiday season. We are a blended family with several cultural heritages and religions between my husband and me and our adopted children.
DEAR READER: Attend musicals and concerts that are offered in the area.
Have a party to introduce your family and friends to some of the holiday celebrations that take place in the countries from which your children come.
The Internet has a plethora of resources; google “celebrations.”
Have a tree for each holiday; we have friends who have a multicultural family, and they celebrate and toss in all the flavors of the season via trees! In the living room, they have a tall Christmas tree; in the dining room, there is a shorter tree decorated for Hanukkah with dreidel ornaments and blue lights. A New Year tree stands in the kitchen and is covered with small Chinese dragon ornaments.
One of the children has a birthday in December, and the home’s entry sports a large pink artificial birthday tree frosted with aqua bows and clear glass ornaments and with a party hat on the top!
In the family room, a holiday tree is covered with ornaments from all the holidays of the year – hearts, bunnies, shamrocks, etc., round out the decor.
DEAR ANN: Our kids are talking about the holidays and all the bounty that they hope to receive. Times are lean; no doubt many are feeling the crunch. I need a new approach while they are still young.
DEAR READER: Hmmm … I shall phrase this carefully. In our house, there was always one surprise gift, unwrapped, left under the tree for each person, and it was never something on anyone’s list; thus, a gift was a gift.
Placing an item on a wish list did not guarantee its appearance! “Who brought it” was left up to the imagination.
The holidays need not hold anyone hostage so long as the parents take control and limit expectations by starting fun traditions that can carry through any economy.
Such an approach can also help to ensure that there are no disappointments down the road when schoolmates’ tales and stories cause children to question the very existence of “Gift Bringers.” When children raise the issue of the actuality of Gift-Bringers, be they attired in red suits, in fluffy white cottontails or in fairy wings, teach kids how to think for themselves by simply responding with, “What do you think?”
For example, the child asks, “Does the ‘gift bringer’ really fly over the moon?” The parents’ answer can be, “What do you think?” That can cause the child to pause, think and state his or her own answer.
Next, the adult can respond with a noncommittal, “That’s interesting!” By being noncommittal and never saying, “Yes, he exists,” or, “No, he doesn’t exist,” one can allow the child to grow into a belief that he or she can sustain.
The role of parent can be to act blase when asked about any mythical characters. Doing so allows the child to decide for himself what is believable and how much he or she wants to buy into the fantasy.
This may rob the parent of some fun, but in the long run, being noncommittal means the child does not suffer a loss and is not lied to, and that makes it all worth it! After all, it is all about the kids – not about the parents!
Throw the ball back into the children’s court and let them decide how much value they want to place on mythical creatures laden with presents.
DEAR ANN: This year, we would like to teach our children about giving and sharing. They already have a lot of material things and are probably expecting the usual clothes and toys, but instead, we want to donate at least half of what we spend in their names to a local charity.
Do we just ask the charity to send the kids a “thank you” acknowledgement so they will know what we spent their gift money on? We’d like it to be more special than that.
DEAR READER: Giving to others is a great idea, and how about giving of self and time with some kid involvement? Instead of being the giver who chooses the charity, ask the children to each pick their own charitable organization! Help them to look for and select a worthy one.
Use www.give.org if looking for a national foundation, or look at local charities such as food banks. Make a date to visit each of their chosen charities’ local offices and give the kids a chance to meet the people involved and see how it all works.
Take the kids out to lunch or dinner after the visit, and discuss what charities they want to help this holiday season. Revisit the chosen charities with the funds in the kids’ hand and let the child have the experience of giving – and make it an annual holiday event!
Return home, and over cookies and cocoa, talk about how good giving feels after the donations are made.
Ditto for adult giving; as the giver, ask your adult recipients what charity they would choose, then give to that charity rather than picking a charity yourself. After receiving the donation in your recipients’ names, the charity will then send an acknowledgement directly to them if you supply their addresses.
DEAR ANN: Our 25-year-old daughter, “Sue,” has just come out of the closet to us, and we are a little surprised, but grateful she felt comfortable to share this with us.
She has a partner, too, and wants to bring her to our annual holiday party. My question is about the many family members and old friends who will be there. Do we announce this news to people ahead of time? We wonder if advance notice is a good thing.
Many of my friends always talk about trying to fix her up with men. Do I just announce that she is a lesbian before they can bring it up again? I don’t want anyone to continue to assume she is available for dating.
DEAR READER: Let’s think this through. Would parents call all their family, friends and party guests to inform them about their child’s sexuality, or any other item of personal identity? No, because Sue’s sexuality is part of her identity and is no one else’s business.
Announcing that she is a lesbian would be raising a topic that is strictly her issue, meaning it is hers only to raise – or not. In this day and age, people are finally able to be who they are openly and happily. Sexuality need not be “announced” like it is a topic of some kind of local news.
Today, many gay and lesbian people attend holiday family parties with their partners and spouses and no one bats an eyelash; they just all enjoy each other’s company. Your daughter can introduce her partner as her partner, and guests will conclude that “Sue” is now enjoying a nice relationship!
DEAR ANN: I have limited holiday money to spend, and I want to shop very wisely this year. Any suggestions?
DEAR READER: Yes: Buy only what is affordable; incur no debt by paying cash only!
And how about shopping locally so that dollars go into your area’s economy.
As for me, I shall buy locally made goods, and I am also going for gifts that are totally useful; many will be edible. I shall assemble big baskets of foods that I know will be consumed, such as a pasta, sauce and cheese basket, a cookie, tea and coffee basket, a basket of assorted cheese and crackers, etc. I shall avoid buying foods that contain high fructose corn syrup.
For me, it is all about practical, healthy gifts made in the USA that put my holiday dollars into the pockets of local stores to pay local workers.
DEAR ANN: I am afraid to say that I am one of those umpty-million people who is still paying off last year’s Christmas gift charges. My job may be in jeopardy, and I simply cannot afford to spend money like I did last year.
I fear my family members are expecting more great gifts, but I cannot produce. What shall I do?
DEAR READER: On what do your recipients base their expectations? Did you promise them in writing that you would be giving to them this year? Sign a contract?
It is best to just send a cheerful card, wishing them a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and/or a Joyful Kwanzaa (or Happy Holidays to cover them all!).
Know that many others are in the same boat with you. If affordable, bake batches of brownies or goodies, put a pretty bow on them and voila! Merry Merry!
DEAR ANN: If my company hosts an office party, is it obligatory for me to attend?
DEAR READER: Yes, it is always wise to accept the invitation of one’s employers, show up, engage politely, be sociable, have no more than one drink and leave sooner rather than later!
DEAR READERS: Celebrate the season all month long – take advantage of all that local towns and schools have to offer. For example, Amherst has a three-day Tree Lighting Festival with many free events!
For more information, visit http://amherstnh.gov/town-celebrations/tree-lighting-festival.
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.