DEAR ANN: My nephew is getting married in a barn theme wedding, and they are going to have an extremely casual event; they and their attendants are all wearing jeans and checked shirts, and they have asked everyone to wear jeans.
I think this is awful, and surmise that they are ignorant of what is proper wedding attire.
Should I offer to tell them? The parents are all unhappy, but are staying out of it. I am his aunt and am not afraid to speak up!
DEAR READER: Wedding couples can ask their guests to do or wear anything, but guests need not comply with requests from the couple to wear specific attire.
If the couple wants input about their theme and dress, they will invite you into the mix and ask you.
Since the issue of the style of their wedding is their decision, I would keep mum, go to the wedding if I wanted to go and wear whatever I wished. Don’t like jeans? Don’t wear jeans!
The parents are wise. Why spend time developing opinions and remarks about someone else’s choices of theme and attire? A guest’s decision and action is in the area of his or her own attire for the wedding.
It is a boundary issue; there is no need for a guest to be bothered or involved with the wedding couple’s choice of a theme and attire.
DEAR ANN: We received an invitation to a wedding where we have heard the bride and groom are dressing up in Renaissance medieval wedding attire complete with a knight on a horse.
I think this is the silliest thing I have heard of. Why do couples have to dress up in costumes and take things to extremes?
DEAR READER: They don’t have to, they want to. Why waste time deciding if it is silly? Accept their ideas as their right, go and enjoy – or else stay home.
DEAR ANN: My daughter is getting married, and she has a large tattoo on her neck and back. She is looking at strapless gowns.
I do not want to see her going down the aisle with a bunch of black ink on her neck and back, and I don’t like strapless gowns at a wedding, anyway.
What to do? I don’t want to fight with her, but I do want her to look elegant.
DEAR READER: Close your eyes when she goes past you in the aisle, and make sure you do not wear a strapless gown! Why spend time developing opinions about someone else’s choices?
Elegance, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. It seems as if she sees tattoos as being beautiful.
People want many things for their children, but in this case, what looks elegant is up to the bride – if she even wants elegance, she is the one who gets to decide what she thinks is elegant.
The mother-of-the-bride’s decision is in the area of her own attire for the wedding. There is no need to be bothered or involved with the bride’s choice of attire; she will wear what she wants.
DEAR ANN: Recently I attended a funeral, and the younger people who were there sported sloppy, untucked shirts, no belts and had weird hair.
I was one of a few who wore a suit; hardly anyone else dressed up. Some even wore sweats!
The granddaughter of the deceased wore a dress that was way too short and had a plunging neckline.
Please tell your readers to dress up for a funeral!
DEAR READER: Culture changes fashion again and again. If you do not like to look at people who are attired in a style that offends you, don’t look at them.
Your decision and action about what you wear to a funeral is yours, and who knows – in a fine suit, you may have set an example for the younger generation.
The one thing one can always be is an example.
DEAR ANN: Why do couples put themselves in the newspaper for their engagement pictures wearing casual clothes? Some of the guys even have T-shirts on with baseball caps.
Don’t they feel this kind of photo should be special, formal and that they should dress up? They look so hokey!
DEAR READER: Apparently not. And of what interest is their attire to anyone but themselves?
DEAR ANN: A cousin in my family is getting married by a justice of the peace. The relatives have relentlessly tried to enlist me to confront the couple and push a religious ceremony.
In their perception, the relatives truly think a civil ceremony would not get the couple off on the right foot, and they felt it was my duty as the eldest cousin in the family to butt in and tell them to have the wedding in a church.
The decision, though, to have a civil ceremony was that of the couple. It was not my issue! And they had not asked me to advise them.
The relatives still are pushing me. Their opinions are strong; they want a religious wedding.
Help! I want to remain uninvolved. What can I say?
DEAR READER: A response to the relatives’ plea could be “I just hope they’ll be very happy,” and then change the subject. Say that line every time the relatives raise the issue until they realize you are not going to do their bidding.
It can work because that is a true and honest wish – to want the couple to be happy – and how they travel into happiness is their decision, be it a civil or religious pathway.
It’s hoped the relatives will realize they are wasting precious time from their own lives when meddling in the wedding plans of others.
If necessary, the last-resort response can be, “Sorry, I am not meddling in their wedding plans, and this subject is no longer open for discussion.” If they still push – leave!
DEAR ANN: My niece, the bride, has decided she wants to have no family members for bridesmaids, even though she has three sisters. I think this is terrible and she will live to regret it.
I have stayed up and agonized over how to tell her. I have tried to help my sister, her mom, but she doesn’t want to talk about it.
How can I convince the bride to include her sisters in the wedding?
DEAR READER: This is the bride’s issue and no one else’s. Accept her decision as a conclusion she has drawn after much thought – for whatever reasons.
The consequences that follow may be hard, her sisters may be hurt and there might be fallout that she will have to deal with, but until she invites you into the issue, keep mum, as it is her issue – and until she opens it for discussion, it is not open for discussion.
P.S. TO READERS: Today’s column shows that people often have opinions and criticisms about other people’s choices.
Was the old saying “I’m entitled to my opinion” ever really valid? Sure, we are entitled to our opinions about ourselves and our own choices, but why would anyone waste time developing opinions about others’ choices when they still have their own lives to lead?
Ann Connell Bergin, of Amherst, is a New Hampshire event planner, etiquette adviser and justice of the peace. She welcomes your questions. E-mail her at Bridalwed@aol.com, and follow her on Twitter at @AnnCBergin.