Ideas and Advice

Couples have alternatives when working unity candle into wedding

DEAR ANN: How does one work a unity candle into the ceremony? DEAR READER: There are several ways to do a unity candle, aka UC, which are relatively new in the world of weddings; they started about 20 years ago. A unity candle set consists of one large middle candle and holder and two smaller and thinner side candles with holders. Often, the holders for all three candles are all in one unit. Add four service tapers or small 4-inch candles, two small water bowls, two votive candles as light sources and a lighter or matches. Below, I shall also add the music regimen, so as to be clear. While the unity candle usually involves mothers, it can include fathers, too.

Show Dad you learned the lessons he worked so hard to teach

DEAR ANN: Do you have any Father’s Day ideas? My dad – and mom, too – have scrimped, saved and sacrificed to be able to send my sister and me to private colleges, totally debt free. While some other parents might have charged up trips, financed cars and mortgaged homes, our dad lived within his means. He simply and steadily saved and saved for us. He and mom took us on day trips to New Hampshire state parks to save money, bought only a house they could afford on his salary alone and drove sensible cars.

An original suggestion for an intriguing gift for that special lady

DEAR ANN: Mother’s Day is coming Sunday, May 9, and I am looking for something special. My Mom is 92, sharp as a tack, collects and studies rocks, is online researching the effect of oil drilling on the crust of the Earth and Google is her new best friend. Any suggestions? DEAR READER: Hmmm … how about the gift of prose? If it were I, I might write my mother a letter telling her how fascinating it has been to be the daughter of a woman whose endless curiosity has inspired all of her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren to travel and broaden their horizons, whose sense of fairness and belief in equality was practiced in noticeable ways – such as not joining the local golf club until the local Jewish country doctor was also invited to join, or writing a letter to the editor of her local newspaper about a street-naming controversy, stating that a developer’s proposed name of Wisnewski Avenue was just as fine a name as Wentworth Avenue. I might also speak to her of how incredible it has been to watch this mother, who so valued education that she and her husband scrimped and saved to be able to send all six of their children to college – and who, to educate herself, stuffed her small frame, heavy with her fifth child, into her 1956 Ford to drive into the city for evening geology classes at Boston University. Examples speak volumes. Probably, I might remind Mom of the endless hours she spent reading Bartholomew Cubbins and the poetry of “A Child’s Garden of Verses” to her ever-listening children.

Brides: Yes, Mom does get a corsage for the wedding

DEAR ANN: My daughter is getting married, and as mother of the bride, I think I am supposed to have a corsage. I was surprised when my daughter said, “You don’t want a corsage, do you?” I mumbled something, but felt hurt. I really wanted one.

Today’s wedding ‘rules’ pertain more to treatment of guests

DEAR ANN: What are the rules these days? We are getting married, and we are also expecting a baby. I’ll be six months along (showing!) as I walk down the aisle. I want to wear white.

Choice to be a reader is yours; choice of what to read is not

DEAR ANN: My cousin has asked me to do a reading at her wedding. She is Catholic; I am not. In the reading, I have to refer to “Benedict, our pope.” Benedict is not my pope.

Lesbian weddings can be traditional or contemporary

DEAR ANN: With gay marriage becoming legal in New Hampshire on Jan. 1, how do I know what path to follow for planning my lesbian wedding? DEAR READER: In any new endeavour, couples can draw on old traditions and also look at new contemporary ideas for their planning. This area of matrimony is relatively new, so it is a blank canvas on which to create. For example, some couples may elect to choose matching outfits; some may have different attire.

Don’t feel the need to be held hostage by the holidays

DEAR ANN: It is coming to the season when my kids are talking about the holidays and all the bounty that Santa will bring. Times are lean; no doubt Santa is feeling the crunch. I need a new approach while they are still young. DEAR READER: Hmmm . . .

Engaged daughters argue over which wedding will be first

DEAR ANN: My elder daughter, Mopsie, became engaged last year, to Joe, and the couple picked a wedding date in December of next year. My younger daughter, Flopsie, just got engaged last month, to Bob, and she wants to get married sooner than her sister – in June of next year. Mopsie is upset; I think she fears Flopsie’s wedding may eclipse her own. So, Mopsie wants Flopsie to have her wedding after her own December nuptials. Can etiquette help? Is there a rule as to which sister goes first? My husband and I are trying to mediate this problem. DEAR READER: If you and your husband can manage both weddings, there should be no problem.

Free speech, polite conversation two different things

DEAR ANN: Recently, I was at a friend's barbecue party with my boyfriend, and people started talking politics and it got really heated between my BF and one other. I was uncomfortable and want to leave, but he said he had "freedom of speech" and would say what he wanted. Was he rude? The hostess looked taken aback, and I felt embarrassed. DEAR READER: Freedom of speech, in my view, simply means that one will not get arrested and thrown into prison for what one says. Shouting "fire" in a theater seems to be an exception, and writing libelous items can get one into civil court. However, while one will not be thrown into prison, there can be logical consequences for what one says.

Should bride, groom exchange gifts?

Q: Do my fiance and I have to give each other presents the morning of our wedding? A: This one is completely up to you. Some couples give each other gifts to wear at the wedding, such as a pair of cufflinks for him or earrings for her. But this is by no means a requirement. Extra presents are an easy cost to cut - and isn't marrying each other the best gift of all, anyway? If you still want to exchange something, consider writing each other letters to open on the morning of your wedding.

Thought required for parents to give meaningful gift to well-off couple

DEAR ANN: Our son is getting married. He and his fiancee both have accumulated many very nice things. They both do well financially, and so the question is – what to do for a wedding present! Is there a traditional gift that the parents of the groom give?DEAR READER: Best wishes to the happy couple.

Proper etiquette for introductions

DEAR ANN: I am a newly graduated MD. I’m curious about the proper way to address patients and introduce myself. I notice some do it informally, while others are more proper.DEAR READER: Congratulations on your achievement.

Dieting bride-to-be: Buy gown that fits now

Q: Should I hold off on buying my wedding dress if I'm trying to lose weight? A: No way. Chances are, your body isn't going to change so dramatically that you won't be able to wear a dress you bought months before. Even if you do lose weight, your seamstress can make alterations - something almost every bride needs anyway. Your best bet: Start shopping about nine months before your wedding and buy a gown in a size that fits you now.

Planning your eco-chic wedding

If you're interested in hosting an eco-friendly wedding, simply start by having the ceremony and reception at the same venue - thus eliminating all that driving for everyone. If you are taking your vows at a religious venue, find a reception venue within a mile or two of the ceremony - or better yet, one you can all walk to. Green weddings are a huge trend, so here are five ideas for hosting a more eco-chic wedding: <b>Go local</b> If your venue allows you to bring your own alcohol, bring locally brewed beers and locally grown wines. This cuts out the shipping emissions and supports local businesses.

Ushering in streamlined church seating etiquette

<b>DEAR ANN: </b>My husband and I want get to the church early for our niece’s wedding to get an aisle seat. What do we do if an usher tries to seat another guest in our pew once we have been seated? Do we have to move over? <b>DEAR READER: </b>No. Traditionally, the woman enters the pew first, and the man second.

Father of the bride needs to remember it's not about him

<b>DEAR ANN: </b>My fiance and I want to be married in a church of a religion that my father says he will not set foot in, because he said the rector there was unkind to someone he knows years ago. However, my fiance and I really want to be wed there, as we don't have any problems with it, and I want my dad to give me away. What can we do? <b>DEAR READER:</b>Perhaps your father can reconsider by asking himself if the event is about him or about you. Stepping into the church is fine for him to avoid doing when it comes to joining and attending the church as a member himself. However, it is quite a different thing to refuse to set foot in the church when the occasion is about someone other than him. Surely he would not want to "cut off his nose to spite his face." Attending a service for someone else - such as a funeral, a memorial, a wedding or christening - has nothing to do with his beliefs. Attending such a service means he understands that all of life is not always all about him and what he wants, and that because the wedding is not his, he is free to attend the service, as doing so will not compromise his beliefs. <b>DEAR ANN: </b>We are planning to have a receiving line for our daughter's wedding.

What is the best option for the 'best woman' dress code?

DEAR ANN: My fiance wants his sister to be his best woman, i.e., honor attendant. Should she wear a ladies' tuxedo type of pantsuit to fit in with the groomsmen? DEAR READER: This is a new wrinkle in the last 10 years, so you have a lot of leeway. She could wear a pantsuit if she wishes to, or a dress that either matches the bridesmaids or complements them.

Economizing your wedding needn't make it less fabulous

<b>DEAR ANN: </b>We had planned to take out a loan for an extra fabulous wedding. . .

Honoring attendants who are expecting

<b>DEAR ANN: </b>We are being married, and my sister is to be matron of honor. She will also be about 8.5 months pregnant at the time of the wedding. My mom said in her day, expectant mothers who were "showing" always bowed out of being in the wedding party.

Phrasing a 'civil union' invitation in a warmer way

<b>DEAR ANN: </b>Now that New Hampshire has civil unions, my partner of 17 years and I want to have one, but we feel, that to us, it is a marriage. The phrase "civil union" sounds cold to us, and we don't think it sounds too elegant on an invitation. Can we have invitations that use the word "marriage" or "wedding" instead of the words "civil union"? <b>DEAR READER: </b>Yes, of course, you can call your joining anything you want.